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  1. #1
    Senior Member asian_roger's Avatar
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    cheating...

    So what would you do if someone you were dating for 6 years cheated on you 4 years ago. At first, when she got caught and when I asked everyone what happened they said it was flirtatious and a make-out session here and there. It was a terrible time for the both of us. She admitted fault, So no worries I forgave her after a long time, then yesterday someone came up and said it was strange that we were together and said she did things much much worse than just make-out. He thought it was ****ed up that I didn't know what really happened. So I was like wait a minute, this is a guy she had beef with so what if he is making up a bunch of ********? Turns out its true after some interrogating and now I am very sick to my stomach and I called it quits immediately. It's just very strange cause everything has been perfect for the past few years and I was pretty close to take the next step. Should it be completely over?

    (crap story...i know..., but I thought peeps on Jazzfanz are pretty smart in this stuff and saw a similar thread somewhere)

  2. #2
    In pursuit of #9 PKM's Avatar
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    If you totally love her and you believe she is truly sorry, then let it go..
    If you're the type to hold it over her head, bringing it up during every fight, end it.
    If you feel you can't trust her again, end it.

    A great line to remember is "there are plenty of women you can live with, but only one you can't live without."

    Which do you think she is?
    E.J. Wells vs. NAOS

    The confusion...

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    Pre-season mock (7/13/13) - page 111

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  4. #3
    In Pursuit of #PKM UGLI baby's Avatar
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    Damn, that sucks man.

    I would've done the same thing if I were you. Her saying she was sorry and working through it with you, but not actually giving up the whole details is f'd up.

    I will say this though, sometimes people look down upon someone who was cheated on and stayed with a person, but I don't think that should be the case at all. I think it's actually really cool when someone chooses to forgive somebody. I don't know if I could do it though.

    Regardless, my advice would be to just take a step back and not feel like you have to figure out everything with her immediately. This will give you time to decide what's best for you. There's no rush in figuring everything out right away.

    Sorry bro.
    #Hope4Hoiberg #OrOllie

  5. #4
    In pursuit of #9 PKM's Avatar
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    Good post, Uggs.
    E.J. Wells vs. NAOS

    The confusion...

    ---
    Pre-season mock (7/13/13) - page 111

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    Senior Member Zulu's Avatar
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    A great line to remember is "there are plenty of women you can live with, but only one you can't live without."

    Which do you think she is?



    Great advice PKM!!
    http://i1150.photobucket.com/albums/o604/sainsbu/ProfessionalTank_zps6f4cddad.png

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    Senior Member asian_roger's Avatar
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    Thanks guys, you are very helpful. Rep for all if I can spread it. It was much more insightful and better than the typical response of "**** that ho" I've been getting from my guys or a bunch of simple sorries and drink a beer with me. I think i'll enjoy my space for a few weeks before deciding anything. I am truly grateful for the responses.

  8. #7
    Senior Member candrew's Avatar
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    Even in marriage, a single moment of weakness is forgiveable. But you seem to indicate this happened more than once.

    If that's the case you did the right thing. Trust me, if you take it to the next level with this girl, you will have many tough days and plenty of strains on your marriage - it's virtually unavoidable. And then it will much, much more than just a matter of forgive and forget - they'll be major financial implications, probably children. Not worth it.

  9. #8
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    candrew, where he did indicate it was more than once?

    i fully agree with pkm and ugli.

    asian, details. and i'm not trying to be a dick here. i just would like to know what happened to gauge, imo, how bad it was/is. was she drunk? was it just with some random dude? etc.

    anyway, keep your chin up man.

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    love you pkm bro and ugli bro, but a_roger, i hope u dont listen to them on this topic. well, pkm moreso than ugli. i dont like to give advice until knowing all the details but from what uve told us i would def. let go. i dont like how people make stuff like this an issue of forgiveness. it's not. it's an issue of logic, trust and indication of future behavior. try to take the emotional aspect out of the equation for a bit and just look at the facts. you can forgive her and still be with someone else, that's the ideal solution you should work towards imo. good luck bro.

  11. #10
    the Chief Old D'oh moevillini's Avatar
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    Um, someone came up to you now and told you what "really" happened four years ago? Or that something else has happened more recently? It's not quite the same IMO.

  12. #11
    Senior Member candrew's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gyp Rosetti View Post
    candrew, where he did indicate it was more than once?
    I took this to mean more than once.

    At first, when she got caught and when I asked everyone what happened they said it was flirtatious and a make-out session here and there.
    I dunno, I guess we need Roger to expound on that. Like I said, if she hooks up with some acquaintence at a bar or a party is one thing - I'm sure that happens more than people would like to admit. But to do it mulitiple times with the same guy is completely different set of problems.

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    Cheating for me is completely unacceptable.

  14. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by asian_roger View Post
    (crap story...i know...,
    That depends on you, and how realistic you intend to be with your expectations.

    By way of background, I had been married for 13 years when my wife admitted she had an affair. Our relationship has changed dramatically, but we will be celebrating our 24th anniversary this year.

    Monogamy is not the natural human condition, it's one we have imposed upon ourselves. Some people take to it well, others (probably most) don't. I'm very sure that your girlfriend had and has no intention of hurting you, and that she values your relationship. I'm just as sure that, if she has not so far, she will cheat again. It is unfair of you to expect her to be monogamous.

    I don't know what your influences and worldview are. Perhaps for you, monogamy is an essential feature of a strong emotional bond and commitment. If so, your relationship with the woman will be very difficult, long-term. On the other hand, if you want to/can separate the two, you can probably be very happy making a life with her, even though the relationship is not monogamous.
    http://lifetheuniverseandonebrow.blogspot.com/

    Isaiah 1:18 -- Come now, and let us reason together

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    To me the harder part is the idea that there was an active deception taking place. If it was something that was happening over a period of time then she had to willfully create an illusion with you that she wanted to be with you and that your relationship mattered to her. Meanwhile, what was the illusion she created with the other guy? Or was there one? With him was it "my boyfriend is a jerk and I hate his guts and he doesn't touch me the way you do, I just can't leave right now because I can't afford to get my own apartment." So for me it's the idea that you were continuing in the relationship, even though it was rocky, based on her deception. Yet she was pursuing other options while trying to keep the door with you open, or continuing to take advantage of the benefits of your relationship while not freeing you to do the same. It's not just excusing the act(s) in my opinion, but reconciling the disrespect and that she has been willing to allow you to live in her lie while she gets to know the truth.

    It's tough. For me it would really matter how much she actively and intentionally mislead you. If while it was going on she was saying "I need my space," and "I'm not sure this relationship is right for me" then it's MUCH more forgivable than if you were saying things like that and she was telling you she wanted to be together and work it out while at the same time enjoying a fling (or flings) with other guys.

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    Quote Originally Posted by One Brow View Post
    That depends on you, and how realistic you intend to be with your expectations.

    By way of background, I had been married for 13 years when my wife admitted she had an affair. Our relationship has changed dramatically, but we will be celebrating our 24th anniversary this year.

    Monogamy is not the natural human condition, it's one we have imposed upon ourselves. Some people take to it well, others (probably most) don't. I'm very sure that your girlfriend had and has no intention of hurting you, and that she values your relationship. I'm just as sure that, if she has not so far, she will cheat again. It is unfair of you to expect her to be monogamous.

    I don't know what your influences and worldview are. Perhaps for you, monogamy is an essential feature of a strong emotional bond and commitment. If so, your relationship with the woman will be very difficult, long-term. On the other hand, if you want to/can separate the two, you can probably be very happy making a life with her, even though the relationship is not monogamous.
    I've thought about this a lot, the idea that monogamy is not normal. I think it's where we're at because while an individual may never have purely monogamous desires we almost always have expectations that our partner be monogamous. And That I don't believe is self imposed. I think it has proven to be nearly inescapable by and large. So we're not monogamous because we want to be, but because we want our partner to be. It's a compromise we make. We're all willing to be monogamous in exchange for our partner being monogamous.
    Last edited by Gameface; 01-04-2013 at 08:51 AM.

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