Hottnick PKM is flexing his rep...
OK, so from what you've said, you're still pretty young (still in college?) and this happened when you were about 18 years old and had already been going out for 2 years, and now it's four years later... do I have that straight?
I guess my feeling is that at the time this happened, you both were at a point in your life when a lot of things were changing - and you were both branching out into new experiences apart from each other. I suppose you both realized this, and that's at least part of the reason you were able to get past the difficult time and remain together.
It's understandable to me that you'd be upset now to find out that you weren't told the entire truth four years ago, but on the other hand, what if you had never found out the latest piece of information? From your girlfriend's perspective, perhaps she wasn't really lying to you at all, just not telling all the details. And after the two of you went though a rough patch and your relationship seemed to come out stronger, it seems normal she'd just leave well enough alone. Do you think she expected that four years later someone would suddenly decide to spill the beans? Or is this something that was discussed often over the past four years, and she actively lied to you? At least to me, that would make a bit of a difference. I would be less upset about a lie that was told four years ago and then remained dormant.
Anyhow, good luck and I sincerely hope you feel better.
No offense, but long distance monogamy has never been a good idea. Ever. That decision guaranteed bad feelings of some sort, whether those were excessive longing or related to cheating. Covering this up also isn't surprising at your ages.
You're both still young... Don't beat each other over this. Please.
I've had a similar experience to you when I was studying as well.
I was 26 at the time, we had been having a long distance relationship which lasted about 4-5 years. Every time we talk/chat/meet everything was all OK and I felt so in love. I was really emotionally attached to her, and I assumed that it was vice versa. Then one day, I called her cell phone and I think the phone was in her handbag and she must have accidentally pressed 'answer' only that she didn't know it. What I could hear was her talking to another guy while they were driving together. They were talking romantically.
I was furious and I called her sister to ask if she was having an affair. Her sister didn't deny, but she also didn't confirm. All she could say was "ask her yourself". In the end she admitted that she has been going out with someone else, but it didn't mean anything, blah, blah, blah. I couldn't stand the cheating so I broke off with her straight away. I was really depressed for a while as I really had thought she would be "the one" for me. But through being busy with work, life happened, I moved on.
I was told a long time ago that to find a good partner you need to have a match on: Spirituality, Physicality and Compatibility.
When I was young, I thought Physicality was the most important and I was really attracted to this girl. She was really attractive, but it was also her personality that I really liked. But something never sat right with me in terms of her integrity. If I ask where she'd been, sometimes she would just brush it off like it wasn't important. If I had given her some money to buy something, she would buy something else completely. Her promises weren't always fulfilled.
I've since become a follower of Christ, and it made me realize that the things that are most important to me all along are: Love, Loyalty, Integrity, Honesty, Monogamy. These things are so integral to my heart now that it's impossible to imagine being with someone who do not believe in these things, or who do not think these things are important. (Meaning, I would have regretted marrying that girl even if I had forgiven her, because she does not value these things).
I don't know if any of that can help you, but I do hope you can work out what's really important to you, and find the right course of action.
and, as Hottnickkk mentioned, you need to figure out what's really important to YOU, not what matters to others. Don't let yourself be too swayed by other people's opinions on whether or not the cheating or lying is a big deal. What may be a really big deal to them is their business, and it doesn't mean you have to feel the same as they do.
And keep in mind that your priorities probably will change as you get older, also something mentioned by HN above. Not to digress too much, but I have a close friend who was/is a huge Chicago Bears fans. Her priority for liking a guy was that he had to be as into the Bears as she was. Well, when she was in her late 20's she got into a relationship with a great guy who liked football and the Bears, but not the the same extent she did. Her Sundays were totally dominated by the Bears, and she either had friends over to watch the games or would go to a particular sports bar - - and this guy just wasn't that interested in it. She dated him for about 2-1/2 years, and about the only negative thing she ever said was that she was sorry he wasn't as into the Bears as she was. It was like this minor wedge that kept her from taking things to the "next level" (as they say)
Well, the relationship fizzled, she's moved on, and is fairly happy with her single life but even 20 years later she still wonders about him on occasion, and I think wishes she hadn't been so rigid in her thinking.
Last edited by moevillini; 01-05-2013 at 10:33 AM.
There is a place for a long distance monogamous relationships, but in my opinion it's pretty limited. One is if you are already in a long term relationship and one person has to go away temporarily, like a few months. They leave the place where the two of you are together and then they come back to that place. Another is if someone is going to the place that both of you will eventually be and the other person has to stay behind for a little while before joining them. Going off to college isn't temporary. It's a step you take in life that leads to some future place that you can never be certain of. So to attempt to hold on to a HS relationship while both of you take that step is an unnecessary burden. Like I say, date each other during that time, but give each other the freedom to explore your own lives. If you are able to meet back up on the other side that's wonderful.
The problem is that she basically took that freedom but didn't give that freedom to you. But under the circumstances I could get over it.
It's not about whether monogamy is contrary to nature. As humans, this type relationship has to be anchored by some sort of trust. I know it's an incredibly simplistic view, but either commit to the relationship, or don't be in it. It really is that easy, especially when you aren't talking about a married couple. If AR feels invested enough to be faithful, why should he not expect the same in return?
Things happen. I get that. But being dishonest with your partner almost never goes away without consequences.
I agree with Gameface about the deception being the bigger concern.
I know going into this type of relationship may be a giant recipe for disaster, but sometimes people do the unthinkable for love. Obviously if I did not focus on my education, then it wouldn't be long distance and perhaps....something like this nonsense would have never happened. At first, I thought that long distance was stupid, but she spent the longest time convincing me. Trust is very sacred to me, so that's why its so painful when stuff like this happened. If she told me the truth in the beginning, I would have simply moved on or perhaps forgiven her a lot easier. She actively lied on her grandma's soul (who she cherished dearly) that something like this didn't happen. In Asian cultures that is a HUGE thing to do. There are a million personal things that made me believe that I could trust her (culture, religion) and to list it all would be time-consuming. Some of you may think I'm a fool, but I think we all learn from our mistakes. I just wanted to know what people thought and I don't blindly follow things I hear, so I just wanted to know your own experiences. I take no offense from your opinions and I don't expect the "answer" (especially on a Jazz forum haha), so thanks. I'm just reflecting on stuff that's all.