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  1. #1
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    How many times do you wipe?

    This topic may be somewhat uncomfortable for some, but I assure you that this thread is serious. I was in the men's room near my office the other day concluding a very nice number two. As I was readying to end my endeavor, a faceless man with rather nice sandals took over the stall next to me. After relieving himself of his own corn porphyry, I took notice of his bum wiping technique. Although my observations are completely based on audible evidence, I think they are accurate. In short, the guy only reached for the toilet paper twice and cleaned himself up in a matter of seconds.

    As you can imagine, I was decidedly dismayed.

    My question is this, what type of technique do you guys use? I clean myself up in as complete a manner as possible, normally spending several minutes in the process, often times opting to shower later. Do most people opt for the "quick clean" like my cursory inclined counterpart, or do they practice doodie reducing diligence? I apologize for my quirky question but when I am in the bathroom, my senses amplify like I'm spiderman and I notice these things. Jazzfanz geniuses, is there a particular "cleaning" etiquette one must follow?

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  3. #2
    Senior Member LogGrad98's Avatar
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    I use my solid gold, diamond-encrusted bidet that squirts warmed dom perignon. I have no idea what this wiping thing is about.
    Quote Originally Posted by ShaggyReAL View Post
    The guy is in Reno. RENO! Give him a break.

  4. #3
    Free at last!!! bigb's Avatar
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    Personally, I wipe as much as needed. Sometimes, that's once. Others, a whole roll is necessary.






    And I really wish I could rep you for this thread.

  5. #4
    Lazy Nate505's Avatar
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    This is the worst or greatest thread in this history of this board. I'm not sure which one yet.
    It started with Earl [Watson], Randy [Foye] and Marvin [Williams]–the veteran guys. I thought the young guys did a good job of following their lead getting us off to a good start. - referring to the Jazz/Bobcats game on 3/1/13

    Earl, Randy, and Marvin started the first quarter 0-3, scored a whopping zero points, and finished with a turnover in the first quarter.

    Your head coach of the Jazz ladies and gentlemen.

  6. #5
    Senior Member dalamon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nate505 View Post
    This is the worst or greatest thread in this history of this board. I'm not sure which one yet.
    Dont kid yourself; its definitely the latter.

    BTW OP I think it depends on the person as well. My mediterannean lineage results on copious amounts of body hair in certain areas. Makes the wiping process longer, if you catch my drift.

    Quote Originally Posted by UGLI baby View Post
    You need to watch as much of Giannis as you can. He's the next big thing, right now I'd srsly consider taking him over Wuggins and Jabari.
    Quote Originally Posted by fishonjazz View Post
    Good lord i dont know if its ds ambien or you are a demon spawned from chris angel


    *confirmed*

    this post is brought to you by Dairy Queen-- home of the Dilly Bar

  7. #6
    Senior Member Core4's Avatar
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    Waiting for Troutbum's post on the matter. I think he is the definitive expert.

    I'm with catracho. If the paper is clean after a couple of times, then the work is done. Other times it takes quite a few wipes. What also has to be factored in is the consistency of the toilet paper. Is it soft and absorbent or the cheap, scratchy kind? Or, for you more uppity folks, do you use the wet wipes?

    As for LogGrad, bidets and Dom Perignon are for wimps; I suggest a garden hose. ;-)

  8. #7
    Senior Member freakazoid's Avatar
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    For me, it all depends on how often CJ posts in the lockout thread. Lately, my printer has been working overtime, and I've been wiping a lot more than I used to. I've had to change my routine to include daily trips for Mexican or Tai food, just to keep up.
    Eneshttp://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u77/gtrutzel/airgordon-1.jpgThe Menace

  9. #8
    Senior Member Scat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dalamon View Post
    BTW OP I think it depends on the person as well. My mediterannean lineage results on copious amounts of body hair in certain areas. Makes the wiping process longer, if you catch my drift.
    Ever hear of waxing and bleaching?

    Diet plays a large role as well. Eat lots of Mickey D's and your paper usage will go up dramatically. Eat like a bunny and you should be using less.

  10. #9
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    I do it until I see essentially nothing on the toilet paper. Usually, near the end, I still have to sort of push into the crevice a bit to get all of the remnants out. I get slightly aroused bit I assure you, its' purpose does not originate there. And in all, there seems to be usually 6-8 wipes for me altogether. Waaaaaaay too much imo but if there's still **** on the ply, I gotta keep going.

  11. #10
    Senior Member Chad Feldheimer's Avatar
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    He doesn't know how to use the three seashells

  12. #11
    Forům Dark Lord E.J. Wells's Avatar
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    This is my kind of thread.

    I am a reach under the sack, turn my hand and the TP (which I crumple/wad -- folding is for girls) into a tractor bucket, and scoop/wipe in one fluidly awesome motion. I'm usually done at two, but it can get ugly on occasion. For three YEARS after my gall bladder was removed, I had 95% runny, liquefied, no-warning squirts. Those were the days...

    On rare occasion I will be on wipe 5 or 6 and my brown-round is so damn chafed that I have to just give up, knowing full well that I'll be back in a few hours for a re-wipe. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, you know you re-wipe.


    "I always thought it meant quit ****ing talking the whole time. People would quote someone and then put qft and i would think, what an asshole" -- fishonjazz

  13. #12
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    The mormon pioneers trekking across the plains called the process "communing with nature". You'd hurry off into the prairie grass into a slight ravine, or into some sage and drop your drawers/raise your skirts and petticoats, squat and try to miss your shoes. Grass was a significant resource, but if lacking it was whatever scaping rocks were at hand, or just sand. You'd call it good if you couldn't feel anything wet or squishy. The prairie winds and the sage made us all smell the same.

    I miss good excuses for all that. Civilization makes us too concerned about manners and other stuff like being politically correct that actually just stinks worse than crap.

  14. #13
    Senior Member dalamon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scat View Post
    Ever hear of waxing and bleaching?
    Waxing and bleaching? If I wanted people to mistake me for a woman I would change my username to Kanterina, talk about how awesome Michelle Bachman is and try to consistently get underneath TroutBum's skin.

    Quote Originally Posted by UGLI baby View Post
    You need to watch as much of Giannis as you can. He's the next big thing, right now I'd srsly consider taking him over Wuggins and Jabari.
    Quote Originally Posted by fishonjazz View Post
    Good lord i dont know if its ds ambien or you are a demon spawned from chris angel


    *confirmed*

    this post is brought to you by Dairy Queen-- home of the Dilly Bar

  15. #14
    Senior Member CONAN's Avatar
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    I used to stand to wipe. WTF with that? Don't reach under the sack. That's for chics. As for the OP it depends. I would say 2-3 as an average. With teaching sometimes I don't have a lot of time and have to go in for a re-wipe later. Also, at home I keep some flushable wipes on the toilet. Makes for good cleanup on messy jobs.
    BYU 1984 National Champs.

  16. #15
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    Who wipes?

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