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  1. #41
    Senior Member asian_roger's Avatar
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    To clarify, the reason we are not married is that we went attend different colleges from two different states that are very far away. She was my highschool sweetheart and it became long distance relationship. We visit each other about 4 times a year, almost every school break and summer for weeks at a time. The event was only once, but it was multiple sex acts with one person she dated for months behind my back 4 years ago. The point is that (me being idiotic) is that I didn't know it was sexual. One friend ratted her out but thought it was just a kissing session here and there and all her best friends covered her back and said it was nothing sexual (but they knew everything). Yesterday, one of the friends felt bad for me and told me the truth and I had to pressure her for an hour to get it out of her.

    I asked her multiple times if it was sexual and she said "no", that's why I forgave her after many months. It was the only and first cheat was when we graduated high school and split off to go to different colleges (and a million other reasons), we were both ridiculously busy and I understand how she may have felt lonely. If I had known it was sexual, I would dropped her ASAP, but she lied to me for 4 years straight because she knew what had happened. Now its at the point where we have become very emotionally attached to each other, I'm positive she had be loyal for the past 4 years. Its just disturbing as **** and I'm depressed. I've been tested a few times but I raised with extreme dedication and loyalty, so I would never cheat back. Honestly, I think everyone will say that I should left when it immediately happened (regardless of she did with the other person). It is a very bad sign that someone had to rat her out in the first/second place.

    i know a lot of people on Jazzfanz is older than I am and have more unique experiences, that is why your answer is important. Thanks again.

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  3. #42
    In pursuit of #9 Dr. Jones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by asian_roger View Post
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    To clarify, the reason we are not married is that we went attend different colleges from two different states that are very far away. She was my highschool sweetheart and it became long distance relationship. We visit each other about 4 times a year, almost every school break and summer for weeks at a time. It was only once, but it was multiple sex acts with one person she dated for months behind my back 4 years ago. The point is that (me being idiotic) is that I didn't know it was sexual. One friend ratted her out but thought it was just a kissing session here and there and all her best friends covered her back and said it was nothing sexual (but they knew everything). Yesterday, one of the friends felt bad for me and told me the truth and I had to pressure her for an hour to get it out of her.

    I asked her multiple times if it was sexual and she said "no", that's why I forgave her after many months. It was the only and first cheat was when we graduated high school and split off to go to different colleges (and a million other reasons), we were both ridiculously busy and I understand how she may have felt lonely. If I had known it was sexual, I would dropped her ASAP, but she lied to me for 4 years straight because she knew what had happened. Now its at the point where we have become very emotionally attached to each other, I'm positive she had be loyal for the past 4 years. Its just disturbing as **** and I'm depressed. I've been tested a few times but I raised with extreme dedication and loyalty, so I would never cheat back. Honestly, I think everyone will say that I should left when it immediately happened (regardless of she did with the other person). It is a very bad sign that someone had to rat her out in the first/second place.

    i know a lot of people on Jazzfanz is older than I am and have more unique experiences, that is why your answer is important. Thanks again.
    Heed no advice, but only take it all in .. in the end this is about you, a unique individual, and her, a unique individual. You have nothing to prove, to anyone. Life is too precious and too short to do anything but find love and fun. Do it.
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  4. #43
    Senior Member Zulu's Avatar
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    I agree with PKM.... Anyone who says the would do this or that if they were being cheated on don't know if that is how it would really go down....

    Until it happens to you, you really don't know and these guys don't know you, your girl friend or your relationship...

    Take time and then make the decision!!!

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    Ye shall not commit adultery

  6. #45
    In pursuit of #9 Dr. Jones's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AshleyArmchair View Post
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    Ye shall not commit adultery
    STFU. Alts are funny, but not here. Show some class.
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    Tldnr

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  8. #47
    Senior Member Zulu's Avatar
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  9. #48
    the Chief Old D'oh moevillini's Avatar
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    OK, so from what you've said, you're still pretty young (still in college?) and this happened when you were about 18 years old and had already been going out for 2 years, and now it's four years later... do I have that straight?


    I guess my feeling is that at the time this happened, you both were at a point in your life when a lot of things were changing - and you were both branching out into new experiences apart from each other. I suppose you both realized this, and that's at least part of the reason you were able to get past the difficult time and remain together.

    It's understandable to me that you'd be upset now to find out that you weren't told the entire truth four years ago, but on the other hand, what if you had never found out the latest piece of information? From your girlfriend's perspective, perhaps she wasn't really lying to you at all, just not telling all the details. And after the two of you went though a rough patch and your relationship seemed to come out stronger, it seems normal she'd just leave well enough alone. Do you think she expected that four years later someone would suddenly decide to spill the beans? Or is this something that was discussed often over the past four years, and she actively lied to you? At least to me, that would make a bit of a difference. I would be less upset about a lie that was told four years ago and then remained dormant.

    Anyhow, good luck and I sincerely hope you feel better.
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  10. #49
    Senior Member NAOS's Avatar
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    No offense, but long distance monogamy has never been a good idea. Ever. That decision guaranteed bad feelings of some sort, whether those were excessive longing or related to cheating. Covering this up also isn't surprising at your ages.

    You're both still young... Don't beat each other over this. Please.
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  11. #50
    PROUD SUPPORTER ONE LOVE's Avatar
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    I've had a similar experience to you when I was studying as well.

    I was 26 at the time, we had been having a long distance relationship which lasted about 4-5 years. Every time we talk/chat/meet everything was all OK and I felt so in love. I was really emotionally attached to her, and I assumed that it was vice versa. Then one day, I called her cell phone and I think the phone was in her handbag and she must have accidentally pressed 'answer' only that she didn't know it. What I could hear was her talking to another guy while they were driving together. They were talking romantically.

    I was furious and I called her sister to ask if she was having an affair. Her sister didn't deny, but she also didn't confirm. All she could say was "ask her yourself". In the end she admitted that she has been going out with someone else, but it didn't mean anything, blah, blah, blah. I couldn't stand the cheating so I broke off with her straight away. I was really depressed for a while as I really had thought she would be "the one" for me. But through being busy with work, life happened, I moved on.

    I was told a long time ago that to find a good partner you need to have a match on: Spirituality, Physicality and Compatibility.

    When I was young, I thought Physicality was the most important and I was really attracted to this girl. She was really attractive, but it was also her personality that I really liked. But something never sat right with me in terms of her integrity. If I ask where she'd been, sometimes she would just brush it off like it wasn't important. If I had given her some money to buy something, she would buy something else completely. Her promises weren't always fulfilled.

    I've since become a follower of Christ, and it made me realize that the things that are most important to me all along are: Love, Loyalty, Integrity, Honesty, Monogamy. These things are so integral to my heart now that it's impossible to imagine being with someone who do not believe in these things, or who do not think these things are important. (Meaning, I would have regretted marrying that girl even if I had forgiven her, because she does not value these things).

    I don't know if any of that can help you, but I do hope you can work out what's really important to you, and find the right course of action.

    God Bless.
    A New Hope....



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