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A Joke a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

kiri.de.carlos

kiri.de.carlos

Well-Known Member
Post your most puntastic jokes here.


What do you get when you have 100 pennies, 35 nickels, and ten times?

Droopy pants.


Carolinajazz knows what's up.
 
Once upon a time, there was a hill far away from the towncenter. Up on that hill was a church. One day, good men built a pool in that church. The head nun gathered all the other nuns and gave them the speech of what it's about.

"My dears, this pool is filled with holy water. If one of those days, one of you maidens' hand accidentally touches a man's private part, may you wash your hand in this pool so that your sins be forgiven."

After a few days, the nun that took care of the grocerries for the kitchen was returning with the bags in her hand. As she was passing right in front of the priest's door, he was on a rush to go out of his room to make it quick to his rest room. She had her hands full so could not move easily and as priest squeezed through the gap from her passage, his private part that enlarged a little from the morning routine flow made his trouser touch the poor nun's left hand as he passed. The unlucky woman was devastated. She quickly laid off the bags and ran to the pool full of holy water, as she remembered the head nun's words. As she reached the pool, she washed her hands with rush and prayed to be forgiven and on her way back to the kitchen, she saw the head nun on the other side of the pool gurgling.
 
All Lawyers Are Jerks

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general. One evening in a cafe, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started “venting.” “All lawyers are jerks,” he loudly proclaimed.

Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him. “Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it.”

“Why is that—are you a lawyer?” he asked.

“No, I’m not; I’m a jerk!”
 
Biker gang
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy’s name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, “I’m sorry, I don’t see your name written in the Book.”

“How current is your copy?” he asks.

“I get a download every ten minutes,” St. Peter replies, “why do you ask?”

“I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn’t arrived to your copy yet.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Pete says, “but while we’re waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?”

The guys thinks for a moment and says, “Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin’ down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of ‘em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I’d be next.
“So I ripped the leader’s chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, “Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!”

St. Peter, duly impressed, says “Wow! When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago.”
 
Blonde Joke

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight From LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains “I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5 and vice—versa”.
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer I will pay you $50”, figuring since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon”?
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four”? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the library of Congress. Frustrated he sends an e—mail to all of his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour he wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer who is more than miffed wakes the blonde and asks, “well, so WHAT is the answer”?
Without a word the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
 
Bread Truck

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

“Hey, pal, what’s the matter?” said the first guy.

“I’ve been transferred to Los Angeles, California,” he answered nervously. “They’ve got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country...”

“Hold on,” said the first. “I’ve been in L.A all my life, and it’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it’s as safe as anywhere in the world.”

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, “Oh, thank goodness. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it’s ok, I’ll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?”

“Me?” said the first, “I’m a tail gunner on a bread truck.”
 
Dear Abby,
My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big ugly red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time the bum will buy me a diamond.
Sincerely,

Witchy in Boston
 
One last one:

Dear Dad

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON’S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THAT THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED “DAD”. WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE
LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:
Dear Dad,
“IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I’M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU. I’VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATT000S, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT’S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE’S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY. EVEN THOUGH YOU DON’T CARE FOR HER, AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT’S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.
BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN’T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE’LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES, AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE’LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA GETS BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!
DON’T WORRY DAD, I’M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I’M SURE WE’LL BE BACK TO VISIT, SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW
YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.”

YOUR SON,
JOHN

P.S. “DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I’M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.
I LOVE YOU’
 
DutchJazzer said:
cab i ask u an honest question?


why do you engage me i f you consider me a troll??
Click to expand...

My joke, in this joke thread, was that your mom is a troll who never took you to the doctor.
 
Surely said:
Blonde Joke

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight From LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains “I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5 and vice—versa”.
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer I will pay you $50”, figuring since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon”?
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four”? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the library of Congress. Frustrated he sends an e—mail to all of his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour he wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer who is more than miffed wakes the blonde and asks, “well, so WHAT is the answer”?
Without a word the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Click to expand...
I've been laughing about this joke for about ten minutes now. I think it might be the funniest joke in the history of jokes.
 
Gameface said:
I'll try harder next time.
Click to expand...
How about this. The lawyer asked the blonde, "How many trolls are there on Jazzfanz?" Silently she reaches into her purse and hands him $5 bucks. Then she asks, "Does it ever do any good to engage a troll?" She smiles as she puts her hand on the lawyer's leg, then she blows him a little kiss as she slides her fingers into his pocket and takes out his wallet. She removes $50 to save him the trouble, then turns back to the window and goes to sleep.
 
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