cheating...

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by asian_roger, Jan 3, 2013.

  1. asian_roger

    asian_roger Active Member

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    So what would you do if someone you were dating for 6 years cheated on you 4 years ago. At first, when she got caught and when I asked everyone what happened they said it was flirtatious and a make-out session here and there. It was a terrible time for the both of us. She admitted fault, So no worries I forgave her after a long time, then yesterday someone came up and said it was strange that we were together and said she did things much much worse than just make-out. He thought it was ****ed up that I didn't know what really happened. So I was like wait a minute, this is a guy she had beef with so what if he is making up a bunch of ********? Turns out its true after some interrogating and now I am very sick to my stomach and I called it quits immediately. It's just very strange cause everything has been perfect for the past few years and I was pretty close to take the next step. Should it be completely over?

    (crap story...i know..., but I thought peeps on Jazzfanz are pretty smart in this stuff and saw a similar thread somewhere)
     
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  2. Dr. Jones

    Dr. Jones In pursuit of #9 Contributor

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    If you totally love her and you believe she is truly sorry, then let it go..
    If you're the type to hold it over her head, bringing it up during every fight, end it.
    If you feel you can't trust her again, end it.

    A great line to remember is "there are plenty of women you can live with, but only one you can't live without."

    Which do you think she is?
     
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  3. UGLI baby

    UGLI baby Well-Known Member

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    Damn, that sucks man.

    I would've done the same thing if I were you. Her saying she was sorry and working through it with you, but not actually giving up the whole details is f'd up.

    I will say this though, sometimes people look down upon someone who was cheated on and stayed with a person, but I don't think that should be the case at all. I think it's actually really cool when someone chooses to forgive somebody. I don't know if I could do it though.

    Regardless, my advice would be to just take a step back and not feel like you have to figure out everything with her immediately. This will give you time to decide what's best for you. There's no rush in figuring everything out right away.

    Sorry bro.
     
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  4. Dr. Jones

    Dr. Jones In pursuit of #9 Contributor

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    Good post, Uggs.
     
  5. Zulu

    Zulu Well-Known Member

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    A great line to remember is "there are plenty of women you can live with, but only one you can't live without."

    Which do you think she is?



    Great advice PKM!!
     
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  6. asian_roger

    asian_roger Active Member

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    Thanks guys, you are very helpful. Rep for all if I can spread it. It was much more insightful and better than the typical response of "**** that ho" I've been getting from my guys or a bunch of simple sorries and drink a beer with me. I think i'll enjoy my space for a few weeks before deciding anything. I am truly grateful for the responses.
     
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  7. candrew

    candrew Well-Known Member

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    Even in marriage, a single moment of weakness is forgiveable. But you seem to indicate this happened more than once.

    If that's the case you did the right thing. Trust me, if you take it to the next level with this girl, you will have many tough days and plenty of strains on your marriage - it's virtually unavoidable. And then it will much, much more than just a matter of forgive and forget - they'll be major financial implications, probably children. Not worth it.
     
  8. Gyp Rosetti

    Gyp Rosetti Banned

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    candrew, where he did indicate it was more than once?

    i fully agree with pkm and ugli.

    asian, details. and i'm not trying to be a dick here. i just would like to know what happened to gauge, imo, how bad it was/is. was she drunk? was it just with some random dude? etc.

    anyway, keep your chin up man.
     
  9. HeavenHarris

    HeavenHarris Banned

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    love you pkm bro and ugli bro, but a_roger, i hope u dont listen to them on this topic. well, pkm moreso than ugli. i dont like to give advice until knowing all the details but from what uve told us i would def. let go. i dont like how people make stuff like this an issue of forgiveness. it's not. it's an issue of logic, trust and indication of future behavior. try to take the emotional aspect out of the equation for a bit and just look at the facts. you can forgive her and still be with someone else, that's the ideal solution you should work towards imo. good luck bro.
     
  10. moevillini

    moevillini the Chief Old D'oh Staff Member

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    Um, someone came up to you now and told you what "really" happened four years ago? Or that something else has happened more recently? It's not quite the same IMO.
     
  11. candrew

    candrew Well-Known Member

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    I took this to mean more than once.

    I dunno, I guess we need Roger to expound on that. Like I said, if she hooks up with some acquaintence at a bar or a party is one thing - I'm sure that happens more than people would like to admit. But to do it mulitiple times with the same guy is completely different set of problems.
     
  12. The Black Swordsman

    The Black Swordsman Well-Known Member

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    Cheating for me is completely unacceptable.
     
  13. One Brow

    One Brow Well-Known Member

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    That depends on you, and how realistic you intend to be with your expectations.

    By way of background, I had been married for 13 years when my wife admitted she had an affair. Our relationship has changed dramatically, but we will be celebrating our 24th anniversary this year.

    Monogamy is not the natural human condition, it's one we have imposed upon ourselves. Some people take to it well, others (probably most) don't. I'm very sure that your girlfriend had and has no intention of hurting you, and that she values your relationship. I'm just as sure that, if she has not so far, she will cheat again. It is unfair of you to expect her to be monogamous.

    I don't know what your influences and worldview are. Perhaps for you, monogamy is an essential feature of a strong emotional bond and commitment. If so, your relationship with the woman will be very difficult, long-term. On the other hand, if you want to/can separate the two, you can probably be very happy making a life with her, even though the relationship is not monogamous.
     
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  14. Gameface

    Gameface Fire Controlman

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    To me the harder part is the idea that there was an active deception taking place. If it was something that was happening over a period of time then she had to willfully create an illusion with you that she wanted to be with you and that your relationship mattered to her. Meanwhile, what was the illusion she created with the other guy? Or was there one? With him was it "my boyfriend is a jerk and I hate his guts and he doesn't touch me the way you do, I just can't leave right now because I can't afford to get my own apartment." So for me it's the idea that you were continuing in the relationship, even though it was rocky, based on her deception. Yet she was pursuing other options while trying to keep the door with you open, or continuing to take advantage of the benefits of your relationship while not freeing you to do the same. It's not just excusing the act(s) in my opinion, but reconciling the disrespect and that she has been willing to allow you to live in her lie while she gets to know the truth.

    It's tough. For me it would really matter how much she actively and intentionally mislead you. If while it was going on she was saying "I need my space," and "I'm not sure this relationship is right for me" then it's MUCH more forgivable than if you were saying things like that and she was telling you she wanted to be together and work it out while at the same time enjoying a fling (or flings) with other guys.
     
  15. Gameface

    Gameface Fire Controlman

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    I've thought about this a lot, the idea that monogamy is not normal. I think it's where we're at because while an individual may never have purely monogamous desires we almost always have expectations that our partner be monogamous. And That I don't believe is self imposed. I think it has proven to be nearly inescapable by and large. So we're not monogamous because we want to be, but because we want our partner to be. It's a compromise we make. We're all willing to be monogamous in exchange for our partner being monogamous.
     
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2013
  16. Hartsock

    Hartsock Banned

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    You were dating for 6 years and still werent sure if you wanted to marry her? I dont think thats a great sign.
     
  17. Dr. Jones

    Dr. Jones In pursuit of #9 Contributor

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    What I have gathered by the responses in this thread is we (humans, that is) become shaped by our own experiences and how we might respond to them ourselves.

    It's kind of like pot smokers. The person who is actively smoking generally believes that a huge more % of people smoke than people believe and that it really has no effect on daily life. Non-smokers obviously tend to believe the opposite.

    I appreciate all the sincerity in this thread, with all the varying views.. I believe the range of responses carry a direct correlation to the life experiences of those sharing. Not necessarily jaded or damaged, just opposing ways of looking at life.

    As much as I respect One Brow, I believe his life experience (both in relationships and academia) has formed an opinion that is far removed from my own belief system. Which is right and wrong? Who knows? Who cares? There's no one size fits all answer, anyway. The main thing is not everyone is a cheater. Not everyone needs multiple partners, some do.. as much as OB said it's "unfair that you expect her to monogamous" it is also unfair that you allow anyone to pre-shape your world. If you want a completely monogamous relationship, you can, millions of other people have one. Whether it's this girl or not, I have no opinion.

    My advice is once you've gotten all this feedback, forget it, dig deep, search your soul for what YOU want, and just do it .. looking forward, and not behind.
     
  18. Hartsock

    Hartsock Banned

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    The real problem that I see if you stay with her is what will you be thinking when she is late coming home? When she goes out to lunch with a "friend"? When she wants to have a girls night? Are you going to be sitting at home worrying that she is out cheating? Or can you really just forgive and forget? If you cant truly forget then your relationship is doomed to fail.
     
  19. fishonjazz

    fishonjazz Well-Known Member Contributor

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    This
     
  20. Dr. Jones

    Dr. Jones In pursuit of #9 Contributor

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    This is largely true. I doubt anyone 'forgets' but many that I know have forgiven and come to completely trust again.

    Allow me to offer one more one-liner of mine that has helped many relationships over the years. When things get rocky, when they're tough and you think about calling it quits, remember;

    "You're only trading circumstances."

    There is no 'perfect' person out there. You give up on one gal who cheated on you once 6 years ago for another girl that nags you daily and makes life hell.. that may have not cheated on you, but on her last boyfriend. We're all flawed, yes, even us JazzFanz. It's important that you find true love, because dissecting what you don't like about your spouse everyday for the rest of your life .. would suck.
     

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