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Suggestions Needed - Parent on Hospice

JazzGal

JazzGal

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My father is going on hospice today. This final illness has come on very suddenly and my siblings and I are overwhelmed in how to close out a parent's life. If any of you have gone through this, please let me know the things you learned and also what you wished you had done differently. TIA.

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Had this happen with my mom. I don’t have much advice other than say the thing you need to and hopefully you have family around supporting you. My wife was absolutely rock solid for me and my whole family during that time. Deepest sympathies your way. It is a rough way out and is just heartbreaking. We did home hospice and so I was happy my mom got to pass laying in her favorite spot in the house. Sending all the good vibes your way.
 
My dad has been living alone in an apartment to which he will never now return. He is overwhelmed as well because he suddenly has very little say in his life. He will be staying with his wife, but they haven't lived together for years. But we didn't really have any other options. In a way, I hope he passes quickly for his own sake.

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JazzGal said:
My dad has been living alone in an apartment to which he will never now return. He is overwhelmed as well because he suddenly has very little say in his life. He will be staying with his wife, but they haven't lived together for years. But we didn't really have any other options. In a way, I hope he passes quickly for his own sake.

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I totally feel for you... I'm a couple states away and was in a meeting when I got the call about my mom taking a turn for the worse that couldn't be stopped. The docs didn't know if I could get there on time even if I jumped on a flight right then. I left the meeting and went to the airport. When I got there everyone said my mom picked up her energy and health and was totally different. I spent the next 4-5 days literally sleeping and living in the hospital waiting room... finally we did hospice. All and all it was about 2 weeks from call to passing.

It never seems to go as fast as you want unfortunately. Feels like there should be a more humane way to deal with it. I am sure that was the worst couple weeks of my life... all happened over the holidays. Going quickly is a true blessing if it happens that way.
 
I'm sorry, for you and your dad. It sounds like he is very independent, this may be hard for him. Hopefully, he can accept what is and find peace. Best of luck to you.

My parents are not there yet. But I was very, very close to my paternal grandparents and was there for both of them at the end. Grandpa hung on for three days while many of us waited close by. For about one hour all of us needed to be somewhere else, only one person stayed with him, and that is when he finally passed. I wondered if he was fighting to hang on for all of us, and wished he would have known it was okay to stop fighting sooner.
 
My wife spent an entire month with her father while he was on hospice. Believe it or not she wishes she had spent more time with her family than just sitting by the bedside. For the last 2-3 weeks he was non-responsive and basically comatose. She was there when he was still coherent and that was the best time for her. It was very difficult. It's a tough time for all involved. You have my sincerest condolences. I guess the only advice I could offer is to cherish and spend time with your family at this time as well. I deeply dread the day when we go through this with my parents. My dad is my best friend. I wish you and your father peace and a quiet and happy transition as much as that is possible.

One more thing, my wife took pictures right up to the end and really regrets that. Because when she looks back at it the first pictures she sees are him at the very end and that isn't how she wants to remember him. Something to think about.
 
LogGrad98 said:
One more thing, my wife took pictures right up to the end and really regrets that. Because when she looks back at it the first pictures she sees are him at the very end and that isn't how she wants to remember him. Something to think about.
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That's actually good advice. How he looks now is not the pictures we would be wanting to show at his funeral for sure.
 
I was the estranged member of the family and got the call from my mom when she went to hospice as I literally pulled into my church's parking lot to leave with my religious brothers for a weekend long men's retreat. We had not talked in years but we said our goodbyes and that we loved each other. I balled in the parking lot for the next hour as we loaded the vehicles with camping gear. Two days later as we were carpooling to Sunday service, I got the text that she passed. I balled for the next two hours during and after service. It was overwhelming that this scenario happened when I had these men to lean on and tears just ran down my face the whole time.

I'm not sure I have any help to you at this time but a man once asked me a question that might be approiate at this time.

He asked: What's most important with those you care about, quality time or quantity time?

The answer is both.

I hope it helps and that everything works out for you.
 
LogGrad98 said:
My wife spent an entire month with her father while he was on hospice. Believe it or not she wishes she had spent more time with her family than just sitting by the bedside. For the last 2-3 weeks he was non-responsive and basically comatose. She was there when he was still coherent and that was the best time for her. It was very difficult. It's a tough time for all involved. You have my sincerest condolences. I guess the only advice I could offer is to cherish and spend time with your family at this time as well. I deeply dread the day when we go through this with my parents. My dad is my best friend. I wish you and your father peace and a quiet and happy transition as much as that is possible.

One more thing, my wife took pictures right up to the end and really regrets that. Because when she looks back at it the first pictures she sees are him at the very end and that isn't how she wants to remember him. Something to think about.
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It is such an ugly process watching them wither away... Those that care for the terminally ill have a special place in heaven. My wife did all the ugly stuff for my mom the last couple weeks and spared the rest of the family some of those things. Kind of ironic because when my mom first met her she thought she was a spoiled California girl. My wife jumped in and did the bathing, bathroom, etc. without hesitation or complaint... I helped, but she shielded me from having those duties much of the time. I'm going to give her a huge hug when I get home. I forget how awesome she is sometimes.
 
JazzGal
My deepest sympathies for you and all of your father's loved ones. This is a hard experience. My mom had a blocked colon, and at her advanced age the doctors thought an operation would kill her. She could not eat or pass much. We thought she would pass in February, but she rallied when we all came to visit. She finally passed in August. She stayed in home hospice with a nurse visiting twice a week to manage the pain. Dad was also given the responsibility to administer her drops of morphine in case of extreme pain. She refused to go into hospice and stayed at home until she passed. Dad fell and broke his hip and passed within two weeks of her passing.

I don't have any magic thoughts or words that will make this any easier for you. I wish I did. I did find comfort in being able to say goodbye and share memories with them both. We were all able to come home for a couple of weeks before mom passed. I came to look on it as a blessing. They knew they were loved and appreciated. It was hard to witness mom's slow painful decline, and the home hospice nurse was only there to deal with pain management and other medication. We took care of the duties as a family. She was in and out of lucidity, but the moments that were good were precious. She could enjoy her family gathering around her and felt loved before she finally went.

All the best to you and yours.
 
My Grandma just passed in August after battling dementia/Alzheimer’s for years. The end came quickly, relatively speaking. She had what the doctors think was lung cancer and in her state/health, there was nothing they could really do. He lungs filled with fluid almost as fast as they could be emptied.
I know my situation is a little different as it’s grandparent vs. parent, but the only advise I can give is to say your goodbyes sooner than later. Talk with him while he’s lucid. Record him telling you stories of his life and childhood. Even if it’s just audio recordings. I learned things about my grandparents in the last week of her life and at the funeral. Looking back, I wish I would have done more of this.


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