JimLes
Well-Known Member
Since we seem to be getting a fair number of new fans lately, they should familiarize themselves with Jazz past. Normally, I would recommend Wikipedia for this, but Nuggets fans keep editing it and posting lies and misinformation. Here then, is the short history of the Utah Jazz up to this point for some of our new fans. Cheers mates!
The Utah Jazz were founded in 1979, when the NBA decided that each large religious denomination in the USA must have a professional basketball team associated with it. Much like the Catholic Church had the Celtics, Hasidic Judaism had the Knicks, and the Pentecostal Church had the Alabama Jesus-Jumpers. The commissioner Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins ordered the Jazz to move from New Orleans to Salt Lake City in order for the LDS Church to have a team. The same ruling also reaffirmed that Voodoo was not a proper religion in the eyes of the NBA, in line with the bylaws of the most recent Collective Bargaining Agreement.
The Jazz played their first few games at an outdoor court behind a Sound of Music store(now known as Best Buy), but moved into the newly build Malice Palace in December of 1979. The commissioner Dawkins inaugurated the new arena by breaking a ceremonial backboard. This relationship with Best Buy would serve the franchise well in the future, and the Jazz still traditionally hold important news conferences at their stores. These early days of the franchise were rough, as the team failed to make the playoffs 4 years in a row. This mattered little to the fans, who came out in droves to see some of the many colorful characters who played for the Jazz in those years. There was Pete "the Piston" Maravich, a Latvian-American kid from the automotive Mecca of Pennsylvania, which earned him the nickname Piston. He was best known for having several games where he dribbled the ball for 48 minutes without shooting(this was before the advent of the shot clock), as well as for setting a new record in college for giving your own son the complete run of the team. There was also Danny Schayes, one of the first second-generation NBA players and an observant Jew. As great a center as he was, very few people were able to actually see him, due to his refusal to play Friday night and Saturday afternoon, and the Jazz fans' refusal to come to games on Sunday. There was also Mark Eton, an 8-foot-7 former mechanic who played rugged defense and occasionally actually wielded a monkey wrench to discourage faint-of-heart players from driving into the lane. Eton would later finish his career in England, where he was so beloved, they named a prestigious prep school in his honor. However, the brightest of these stars was surely Franklin Delano Dantley, a silky smooth small forward who led the Jazz to their very first playoff berth in 1983.
Over the next couple of years, two players would join the Jazz and determine the course of the franchise for the next three decades. First in 1984, the Jazz drafted a tough, street-wise Irish kid named Jack Stockton from the G. O'nzaga University of Spokane, Ireland. He was instantly popular with the fans, with a group of 17 dedicated fans driving all the way from Ogden to NYC in order to carry him out of the room on their shoulders after the draft. Stockton would become a hero to many, but especially the underprivileged. He would be known as the "White Mamba" in the rough ghettos of Sandy, Utah. He would retire in 2003 as the NBA all time leader in assists, steals, and autographs signed, though the later part of his career was dogged by rumors of special, extra tight performance-enhancing shorts.
A year later, the Jazz would draft a 6'9 forward from Louisiana named Karlos "the Boozer" Malone. Karlos was born on a bayou, chasin' down a hoodoo there. He earned his nickname for his superhuman propensity and tolerance for alcohol, as well as for his love of 13-year old black girls, and slightly older Mexican girls. He would play for the Jazz until 2010, when he left to join the Bulls at the age of 47. Despite his legendary physical fitness, collisions with various household appliances and subsequent injuries have indicated that he is probably close to the end of his illustrious career.
The acquisition of these two came with some sadness, however, as the Jazz were forced to deal fan-favorite Franklin Dantley to Detroit. The deal worked out well for Detroit, as the city was already known for its many dealers. The Jazz fans were sad to see Dantley go, although it was probably coming. His last couple of years his performance dropped, amid criticism from the fans that he was not taking enough shots, and from his own teammates that he was just too damn nice to everyone on the team.
After some early growing pains, Stockton and Malone would lead the Jazz to two finals appearances in the mid-90s. They were helped in this by an assorted crew of characters, including Jeff "the Stryker" Hornacek and Greg OOstertag. The former was Czechoslovakian porn star turned basketball player, who joined the Jazz after the new post-communist government of the country instituted a strict moral code for its professional basketball players. Fortuitously, the NBA had just abolished the same code, allowing not just porn stars, but coke fiends, wife-beaters, potential rapists and even hip-hop artists to play. OOstertag was a powerful center in the mould of Wilt Chamberlain, and was considered the most dominant ever white center to come out of Duncanville, Texas.
They faced the mighty Chicago Bulls both year, which featured Michael "the Goat" Jordan, who got his nickname for his constant bleating at the referees, and Scottie Pippin, who was named after the Frankish king. The Bulls prevailed in 1997 due to some hefty cheating, including Jordan feigning an illness then sneaking onto the court with his hospital gown still on, as well as Lebanese-born guard and Hezbollah member Steve Kerr hitting an illegal shot called a "three-pointer" in one of the games. The Jazz looked set to avenge their loss in 1998, but in a surprise development the commissioner announced that the winner will be decided by a wrestling match between Karlos Malone and the Bulls forward Dennis Rodman. With Malone being known as a powerful enforcer, and Rodman being thought of as a quite, polite, unassuming fellow, the Jazz looked set for victory. Sadly, the Bulls won by default, as the Jazz were suspended when their owner Larry "Bird" Miller hit the Bulls' Italian center Antonio Kukoc over the head with a folded chair.
While Stockton would play for another 5 and Malone another 12 years, the Jazz would never reach those lofty heights again. Having assembled a hot, young new team in the wake of Karlos Malone's departure to the Bulls, the Jazz are hoping for a fresh new era of excellence.
