When Your Best Friend is Cheating...

[JazzGal]

What can one say?

Can't really ask this elsewhere. My friend of over 40 years, who has been married for almost 35 years, is now cheating on her husband with another woman. She confides in me exclusively, so I'm her only voice of reason.

She knows I grew up with a serially cheating father, and her own father had an affair, so she knows the impact this has on families. Yet she feels that this relationship is special, meant to be, etc.

I'm trying to find a balance between being a supportive, non-judgmental friend and a realist.

Any advice out there?

 

[FalseFlagg K]

What can one say?

Can't really ask this elsewhere. My friend of over 40 years, who has been married for almost 35 years, is now cheating on her husband with another woman. She confides in me exclusively, so I'm her only voice of reason.

She knows I grew up with a serially cheating father, and her own father had an affair, so she knows the impact this has on families. Yet she feels that this relationship is special, meant to be, etc.

I'm trying to find a balance between being a supportive, non-judgmental friend and a realist.

Any advice out there?

rough situation. Everyone in that situation thinks it's special, meant to be etc but the truth is these affair relationships aren't real. They aren't in the context of real life with real pressures etc. They're just like eating candy.

I think it's incredibly unfair of someone to put you in that situation, and very selfish. What's your outlook for how you think you should handle it ?

 

[One Brow]

What can one say?

Can't really ask this elsewhere. My friend of over 40 years, who has been married for almost 35 years, is now cheating on her husband with another woman. She confides in me exclusively, so I'm her only voice of reason.

She knows I grew up with a serially cheating father, and her own father had an affair, so she knows the impact this has on families. Yet she feels that this relationship is special, meant to be, etc.

I'm trying to find a balance between being a supportive, non-judgmental friend and a realist.

Any advice out there?

It's hard to separate out your childhood experiences here.

Is your friend a member of a socially conservative congregation, and expressing her true self for the first time? Is she seeking to fulfill something lacking? Was she just bored? Without this type of context, there's no real advice to give.

You have to follow your heart here. You have a good one.

 

[JazzGal]

It's hard to separate out your childhood experiences here.

Is your friend a member of a socially conservative congregation, and expressing her true self for the first time? Is she seeking to fulfill something lacking? Was she just bored? Without this type of context, there's no real advice to give.

You have to follow your heart here. You have a good one.

She, like me, grew up LDS and we both resigned our memberships nearly 10 years ago. Her husband is still active LDS but they had worked through it. Oddly, her new love is also LDS.

She and I are about as different as we can be. She has always pushed boundaries while I am a rulekeeper. After leaving the church, she went through a mild rebellious period (getting tattoos, getting drunk, etc). I did not. I love her because she challenges my thinking, and we have always loved talking to each other.

She still loves her husband and doesn't want to leave him. She has tried to talk to him about this, but he has not wanted to have the discussion, understandably.

Most of her kids have met the woman, but so far seem to think this is a new, intense friendship. She is going to become a grandmother in a couple of weeks and realizes if her family figures out what is going on, she may not get to see her grandson much. Her children adore their father and would be devastated by this and would likely not be too forgiving.

She is risking her entire family, and she knows this. Yet she can't leave her. She wants to believe that somehow she can have this.

How I've handled it so far is to listen. I've told her that all I can see ahead for her is a lot of pain for everyone she loves. I'm not sugarcoating my feelings, but I'm also being gently reasonable. I've also reassured her that I will be in her corner, no matter what happens.

What I see is that her marriage has become a victim of time. Her husband doesn't cuddle with her except for when he wants sex. And she says sex with an old guy is a lot of work. He has not taken care of himself and is kind of a big, bearded, messy guy - but perhaps the kindest man I've ever know.

I suppose it is true - there probably isn't any advice anyone can give me. I'm just going to have to watch this soap opera play out. She knows this is a bad idea and is choosing it anyway. It's an incredibly selfish decision. And I can't stop it.

 

[Hearsky]

She, like me, grew up LDS and we both resigned our memberships nearly 10 years ago. Her husband is still active LDS but they had worked through it. Oddly, her new love is also LDS.

She and I are about as different as we can be. She has always pushed boundaries while I am a rulekeeper. After leaving the church, she went through a mild rebellious period (getting tattoos, getting drunk, etc). I did not. I love her because she challenges my thinking, and we have always loved talking to each other.

She still loves her husband and doesn't want to leave him. She has tried to talk to him about this, but he has not wanted to have the discussion, understandably.

Most of her kids have met the woman, but so far seem to think this is a new, intense friendship. She is going to become a grandmother in a couple of weeks and realizes if her family figures out what is going on, she may not get to see her grandson much. Her children adore their father and would be devastated by this and would likely not be too forgiving.

She is risking her entire family, and she knows this. Yet she can't leave her. She wants to believe that somehow she can have this.

How I've handled it so far is to listen. I've told her that all I can see ahead for her is a lot of pain for everyone she loves. I'm not sugarcoating my feelings, but I'm also being gently reasonable. I've also reassured her that I will be in her corner, no matter what happens.

What I see is that her marriage has become a victim of time. Her husband doesn't cuddle with her except for when he wants sex. And she says sex with an old guy is a lot of work. He has not taken care of himself and is kind of a big, bearded, messy guy - but perhaps the kindest man I've ever know.

I suppose it is true - there probably isn't any advice anyone can give me. I'm just going to have to watch this soap opera play out. She knows this is a bad idea and is choosing it anyway. It's an incredibly selfish decision. And I can't stop it.

Of course there are many reasons for infidelity. But the way you describe her, have you ever had speculation of her having bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

 

[JazzGal]

Of course there are many reasons for infidelity. But the way you describe her, have you ever had speculation of her having bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

I haven't ever thought that. This is quite out of character for her.

 

[JazzGal]

Okay, here's a question - do men think that it isn't as bad for a woman to have a fling with another woman as it is if it was with a man? Her husband had once said something to that effect once when their daughter had cheated on her husband with a woman. Maybe that's why she thinks maybe she can have them both.

 

[Rubashov]

Of course there are many reasons for infidelity. But the way you describe her, have you ever had speculation of her having bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder?

BPD normally presents much earlier in life. Its uncommon for someone with bipolar or BPD to be in a stable long term relationship.

Maybe its some sort of menopausal mid life crisis? I think douchebag is on the money tho.

Pretty big shift in life tho.

 

[FalseFlagg K]

Okay, here's a question - do men think that it isn't as bad for a woman to have a fling with another woman as it is if it was with a man? Her husband had once said something to that effect once when their daughter had cheated on her husband with a woman. Maybe that's why she thinks maybe she can have them both.

i think the really bad part is the emotional betrayal quite a bit more than the physical. And in that sense it doesn't really matter if it's with a man or woman

 

[Eminence]

Okay, here's a question - do men think that it isn't as bad for a woman to have a fling with another woman as it is if it was with a man? Her husband had once said something to that effect once when their daughter had cheated on her husband with a woman. Maybe that's why she thinks maybe she can have them both.

As a polyamorous man (so I've been around a few people trying to juggle multiple relationships), yeah, there's at least some truth to that for a fair number of people (comfortability with their partner having a partner that is not the same gender as them), not just men.

There can be a feeling of the partner trying something new or getting something else, instead of one where the partner is trying to replace them, which is easier for a lot of people to handle (kind of understandably imo, but to each their own).

Can't really say for this fellow, obviously.

And cheating is of course a whole different can of worms, because it's started in the dark I doubt it'll end well.

 

[fishonjazz]

Okay, here's a question - do men think that it isn't as bad for a woman to have a fling with another woman as it is if it was with a man? Her husband had once said something to that effect once when their daughter had cheated on her husband with a woman. Maybe that's why she thinks maybe she can have them both.

I think most men probably think its not quite as bad.


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[Al-O-Meter]

their daughter had cheated on her husband ...

Shocker.

I ran in to a friend the other day. He told me the unfortunate news that his wife had filed for divorce. My wife is acquainted with them but isn't close enough that they'd talk. I did not relay the news to her. I didn't mention running in to him at all. I know that divorce is contagious. The statistics on that are undeniable. I am not one to hide anything from my wife but I see even mentioning that someone in our extended circle getting a divorce as a risk to our marriage I'm not willing to entertain.

I haven't seen similar statistics on affairs, but I suspect it is the same. It isn't the way your friend's husband downplayed the daughter's infidelity. It is the daughter's infidelity.