HighlandHomie
Well-Known Member
It started this morning at mass when my idiot cousin from Missoula interrupted Father Paddy twice and my mother scolded him under her breath to cut it out. There were close to a 1,000 people in the chapel but only about 10 or so heard my mother curse in reprimanding him. Unfortunately one of them was Mrs. Penn who is a judgmental and vindictive bitch and will undoubtedly use the instance to embarrass my mother next time they bridge with the other women at the church who also are active in the community and at the high school.
Luckily I'm in my final year of college and won't have to hear my mother carry on about her disdain for her friends who all take turns gossiping about each others children's missteps.
Anyhow, my mother was already on edge when we gathered back at our house for our party and dinner with relatives from both my mother and father's side. Typically there are around 75 people there. This year we had closer to 100 because one of my dad's uncles had three kids out of wedlock who all brought their families since they all relocated to Jordan within the last year.
By the time 3 o'clock rolled around, everyone who is of age had their wheels greased. I'm sure some of the teenagers snuck some bourbon into the room they were all congregated in as well, but they aren't really part of the story. My cousin (he's 30 I think, give or take a few years) who challenged the priest today is an ugly drunk but an angel compared to his mother. She had a glass of wine before we even went to mass, and though I can't say for certain, she finished off a bottle by herself within an hour of getting back.
She is my father's youngest sister, and gave a tasteless speech at my parents wedding. Obviously I didn't get to hear it/see it since I wasn't conceived yet, but my older cousins have told me about it. Naturally she was nuked at the wedding, and said at least three different times she had wished her older brother married her friend Victoria (whom my dad dated for several years prior to meeting my mother). As you can surmise, she and my mother have never really liked each other and any cordial interaction has been forced and phony.
Before my mother and several other relatives began to prepare our feast, my aunt told my mother next time she wanted to publicly humiliate her son she should ask her for permission. She also took a couple shots at me saying, "John is no angel himself. I heard all about Connor's visit."
Connor is another cousin, who is a senior in high school and against my advice (and pleas) drank himself into a stupor and ended up pissing himself and passing out at the tailgate before we even entered the football stadium this year (I go to CU). He was ticketed and put in a drunk tank, and I got him after the game ended. Just an FYI - not that important to the story, but should be noted to illustrate the difference in raising your voice during mass twice and not physically restraining an 18 year old from drinking all morning.
My mom, who had taken a xanax when she got home after Mass (not because of the incident at church, but because she always does when we have the entire family over), was a little inhibited and shot back at my aunt asking her when Joe (the cousin who spoke out at Church) was going to find a woman. I didn't hear exactly what she said, only the part when she sniped, "Jesus, when is he going to grow up?"
Luckily my father was in the kitchen feeding one of my cousin's babies a bottle and stepped in and asked his sister to go check on their mother (who doesn't need to be checked on. She sits expressionless in a wheelchair in the corner of the living room with her helper standing behind her). I asked my mother if she needed help with the food or trying to defuse the escalating situation with my aunt, who at this point, was in the other room loudly berating my mother to my grandmother (who isn't capable of articulating any semblance of a reasonable response). Since I heard it, it was clearly loud enough for my mother to hear, and she began to well up and was on the verge of breaking down into tears. I told her not to get bent out of shape over it - that we all know how ridiculous Lucy can be.
Several things broke in my house, as they always do during this party every year just because 75-100 people is too many people to fit into our house, but there were no major problems (and no one had gotten sick) until the food was served.
All the children (myself included) eat buffet style and eat in the living room or the old playroom (which is now just another living room). All the parents and their cousins and living grandparents eat in the dining room and are served by the three women my mother has hired every year since I was really young.
I was relaxing with most of my cousins who were in college, and we were all trading stories from the first semester. We all took turns busting Connor's balls for being a moron too. It was pretty fun because I only see some of my cousins once a year - on Christmas Eve.
Just when I was going to go for seconds I heard glass shatter in the dining room and a blood-curdling shriek.
My aunt Lucy started crying hysterically and ran upstairs. I went into the dining room to see what happened and everyone had the look on their face as if they'd seen a ghost. One of the helpers was also crying.
Turns out, my uncle Rob (Lucy's husband) was in the bathroom with one of the helpers earlier in the afternoon for quite some time. Lucy found out because she saw them exchange smiles. Rob has cheated on her before, and they've split up three different times in the last five years or so. I don't blame her for throwing the glass on our floor when she saw the exchange. Really a scummy thing on his part. My dad said they were flirting the entire day. I never noticed it.
Everyone finished up, and filed out of the house within the hour. My mother was really drunk and didn't know if she should be sympathetic to Lucy or not. She didn't say that, but I could tell. She's a kind woman. Ten minutes after everyone left, I heard my mom start to breakdown crying in the bathroom by the living room and I came rushing downstairs from my bedroom to see what was wrong. I found her on her knees in the bathroom.
She sobbed, "Why can't we have a normal family? I love each and every one of you. We should be celebrating our family and how big it is. Now I have to worry about washing Uncle Rob's love yogurt out of my new Oriental Rug."
The first part may not be word for word, but I assure you the last part is verbatim. She spent a lot of money on that rug (she's a collector), and was not being facetious or making light of the situation. I had to exit immediately because I didn't want her to see me laughing. So I came on here and wrote out what happened instead while she sobers up. My older brother has been passed out since before dinner was served. Can't wait to tell him what he missed.
Anyone else have any fun Christmas stories?
Luckily I'm in my final year of college and won't have to hear my mother carry on about her disdain for her friends who all take turns gossiping about each others children's missteps.
Anyhow, my mother was already on edge when we gathered back at our house for our party and dinner with relatives from both my mother and father's side. Typically there are around 75 people there. This year we had closer to 100 because one of my dad's uncles had three kids out of wedlock who all brought their families since they all relocated to Jordan within the last year.
By the time 3 o'clock rolled around, everyone who is of age had their wheels greased. I'm sure some of the teenagers snuck some bourbon into the room they were all congregated in as well, but they aren't really part of the story. My cousin (he's 30 I think, give or take a few years) who challenged the priest today is an ugly drunk but an angel compared to his mother. She had a glass of wine before we even went to mass, and though I can't say for certain, she finished off a bottle by herself within an hour of getting back.
She is my father's youngest sister, and gave a tasteless speech at my parents wedding. Obviously I didn't get to hear it/see it since I wasn't conceived yet, but my older cousins have told me about it. Naturally she was nuked at the wedding, and said at least three different times she had wished her older brother married her friend Victoria (whom my dad dated for several years prior to meeting my mother). As you can surmise, she and my mother have never really liked each other and any cordial interaction has been forced and phony.
Before my mother and several other relatives began to prepare our feast, my aunt told my mother next time she wanted to publicly humiliate her son she should ask her for permission. She also took a couple shots at me saying, "John is no angel himself. I heard all about Connor's visit."
Connor is another cousin, who is a senior in high school and against my advice (and pleas) drank himself into a stupor and ended up pissing himself and passing out at the tailgate before we even entered the football stadium this year (I go to CU). He was ticketed and put in a drunk tank, and I got him after the game ended. Just an FYI - not that important to the story, but should be noted to illustrate the difference in raising your voice during mass twice and not physically restraining an 18 year old from drinking all morning.
My mom, who had taken a xanax when she got home after Mass (not because of the incident at church, but because she always does when we have the entire family over), was a little inhibited and shot back at my aunt asking her when Joe (the cousin who spoke out at Church) was going to find a woman. I didn't hear exactly what she said, only the part when she sniped, "Jesus, when is he going to grow up?"
Luckily my father was in the kitchen feeding one of my cousin's babies a bottle and stepped in and asked his sister to go check on their mother (who doesn't need to be checked on. She sits expressionless in a wheelchair in the corner of the living room with her helper standing behind her). I asked my mother if she needed help with the food or trying to defuse the escalating situation with my aunt, who at this point, was in the other room loudly berating my mother to my grandmother (who isn't capable of articulating any semblance of a reasonable response). Since I heard it, it was clearly loud enough for my mother to hear, and she began to well up and was on the verge of breaking down into tears. I told her not to get bent out of shape over it - that we all know how ridiculous Lucy can be.
Several things broke in my house, as they always do during this party every year just because 75-100 people is too many people to fit into our house, but there were no major problems (and no one had gotten sick) until the food was served.
All the children (myself included) eat buffet style and eat in the living room or the old playroom (which is now just another living room). All the parents and their cousins and living grandparents eat in the dining room and are served by the three women my mother has hired every year since I was really young.
I was relaxing with most of my cousins who were in college, and we were all trading stories from the first semester. We all took turns busting Connor's balls for being a moron too. It was pretty fun because I only see some of my cousins once a year - on Christmas Eve.
Just when I was going to go for seconds I heard glass shatter in the dining room and a blood-curdling shriek.
My aunt Lucy started crying hysterically and ran upstairs. I went into the dining room to see what happened and everyone had the look on their face as if they'd seen a ghost. One of the helpers was also crying.
Turns out, my uncle Rob (Lucy's husband) was in the bathroom with one of the helpers earlier in the afternoon for quite some time. Lucy found out because she saw them exchange smiles. Rob has cheated on her before, and they've split up three different times in the last five years or so. I don't blame her for throwing the glass on our floor when she saw the exchange. Really a scummy thing on his part. My dad said they were flirting the entire day. I never noticed it.
Everyone finished up, and filed out of the house within the hour. My mother was really drunk and didn't know if she should be sympathetic to Lucy or not. She didn't say that, but I could tell. She's a kind woman. Ten minutes after everyone left, I heard my mom start to breakdown crying in the bathroom by the living room and I came rushing downstairs from my bedroom to see what was wrong. I found her on her knees in the bathroom.
She sobbed, "Why can't we have a normal family? I love each and every one of you. We should be celebrating our family and how big it is. Now I have to worry about washing Uncle Rob's love yogurt out of my new Oriental Rug."
The first part may not be word for word, but I assure you the last part is verbatim. She spent a lot of money on that rug (she's a collector), and was not being facetious or making light of the situation. I had to exit immediately because I didn't want her to see me laughing. So I came on here and wrote out what happened instead while she sobers up. My older brother has been passed out since before dinner was served. Can't wait to tell him what he missed.
Anyone else have any fun Christmas stories?
