Need some advice, please

[Gameface]

I don't think this is a situation that requires child protective services. I think parents should have a lot of leeway when it comes to how they discipline their kids. They are, after all, the ones who are ultimately responsible for their children's actions. I find it a little hard to swallow that you can be held accountable for your children's actions, yet you are not allowed to guide/punish them as you see fit to encourage them to act in a way you find acceptable.

I say that but we don't so much as spank our son. I wasn't spanked or excessively punished as a child, either. I think it is perfectly possible to raise a very well disciplined child using mostly communication. I just don't think it's my business to tell another parent that they can't use time out and diet restrictions (as long as the children aren't malnourished) to punish their own children.

 

[UB]

Ask him if you could interview the child, from behind plate-glass. See if this kid is as smart as they say. Will he smell your perfume? Will he be able to trace your roots back to a small coal mining town in West Virginia? Will Multiple Miggs fling his ejaculate at you?

 

[YB85]

Maybe you can get the kid a Rita Hayworth poster and a rock hammer.

 

[UB]

Tell that kid to befriend the Squirrell Master for protection.

 

[colton]

My other daughter had a habit of running to her room and slamming the door when she was upset. She was warned and eventually lost her door. Try being a 15 year old girl with no bedroom door. It took her all of one day to apologize with zeal and promise never to slam her door again. It worked. She hasn't slammed her door since.

I personally loved that one! I've got a 10 year old daughter that is tending toward that kind of behavior, so I'll have to keep that in mind.

 

[Gameface]

I personally loved that one! I've got a 10 year old daughter that is tending toward that kind of behavior, so I'll have to keep that in mind.

I did it. My son was only 7, but it worked.

 

[franklin]

Hope the move!

That's tricky. We had neighbors years ago who rented the house next to us for about 3 years, they had 4 boys ages 4 - 10 at the time they moved in (roughly the same ages as my kids) - - the family was a little weird, seemed nice enough but I think the mom had a little agoraphobia or something - she was friendly as long as she was in her house or yard, but much different anywhere else, and she seldom left the house without her husband.

At any rate, the boys had the worst potty mouths you could imagine, and not just 4-letter words, but really vile stuff, and making threats, but kid-type threats, not anything you'd really get upset about. The mom would frequently lock a couple of them out of the house. It was weird. A few times they made the boys sleep out in a tent in the front yard (the house has no back yard) for a night or two - even through thunder storms and stuff. Partly it was punishment, and partly I think it was just her way of giving herself some peace and quiet. But they boys always were fed well, even if they were stuck out in the tent, one of the brothers or a parent would bring them food and let them eat, they just wouldn't be allowed in the house (except maybe to pee)

I tried to talk to the mom and dad a bit, mainly just in generic terms about kids - but they seemed to think it was OK, and that the boys liked to stay outside, and that it was good for them to have a little time apart since the four boys shared 2 bedrooms. I spoke with two of their teachers twice, but the kids were OK in school, and the teachers really didn't see anything to be concerned about other than the kids using inappropriate language at times. I know they had the school social worker involved a little at one point, but I'm not sure exactly why or what prompted his involvement.

So I guess I don't have any really good advice, other than if the boy goes to the same school as your son, and you feel comfortable talking with the teachers, perhaps mention that you have some concerns about your son's friendship with the child, and see where that conversation goes.

At any rate, it seems to me that the best time to initiate a conversation with the parents would have been when they first mentioned these issues to you - - so if it comes up again, maybe ask them if they've sought any sort of professional help, or had their son tested for ADHD, or just ask them if those methods seem to be working for them, and see where the conversation goes.

This really bothered you? (I think I remember this story from another thread...) I thought there couldn't be a worse neighbor than my grandmother, but you, sir, could give her a run for the money.

 

[franklin]

I not one to tell others how to parent either, but this kind of thing taken too far has created some real monsters for society to deal with. You should either get more information, or, realize you don't know anything and are most likely worked up over a non-issue. Right now you know nothing. Ask what the kid is doing and maybe do it by mixing it with some sincere "what can I do to help or advize".

 

[Scat]

...and take his bed away (that's crazy to me).

I've threatened my kids with this very action before. After repeatedly asking them to make their beds in the morning with no action seen I threatened to take their bed away. If they can't appreciate the hard work that their mother puts into keeping their bedding clean by spending 60 seconds every morning and simply making their bed then maybe they don't deserve a bed. It wouldn't kill them to sleep on the floor for a few nights. I'd make sure they had a quilt to lay under and a pillow for their head but the mattress, sheets and frame would be gone.

LOL - the "Joan Crawford" approach. Do they have to call you Daddy Dearest?

There are no wire hangers involved in the discipline of my children. And a simple Daddy will do just fine.

Stuff like whipping a child with a belt or locking them in a closet goes way over the line IMO.

My other daughter had a habit of running to her room and slamming the door when she was upset. She was warned and eventually lost her door. Try being a 15 year old girl with no bedroom door. It took her all of one day to apologize with zeal and promise never to slam her door again. It worked. She hasn't slammed her door since.

I personally loved that one! I've got a 10 year old daughter that is tending toward that kind of behavior, so I'll have to keep that in mind.

I've actually gotten a lot of mileage out of this one. This one action has led the kids to believe that if I make a threat I'll carry it out. That said, I haven't needed to carry out a threat for quite a while since the door incident.

One of the funnier things I've ever seen happened to my best friend growing up. We were in 8th grade and his mom had been asking him for weeks to pick up his room. As we are getting off the bus after school, there sits a giant poster board propped up in his front yard. Attached to the board are his dirty underwear, socks, empty cereal bowls... I think there was even a SI Swimsuit issue attached to the board. Just all sorts of crap from his bedroom. In big letters across the top, "______ wouldn't clean his room. Could you live in this filth?" I've never seen my friend run so fast. He was on top of that poster board and had it ripped to the ground in seconds!! LOL

 

[Duck Rodgers]

This reminds me of the show, "What Would You do?" Does anyone else watch this?

Yup. The one where the hot chick is trying to steal the bike and the guys are just falling all over themselves to help her while their wives looked on in disgust was classic.

 

[colton]

I was talking with a neighbor last night and I mentioned that my 10 year old hasn't seen his 10 year old in a while. His response was "He's in prison". He went on to explain that the kid has some behavioral problems at home (he is the nicest kid when he comes to our house) so they lock him in his room. Last weekend he lost the privilege of his bed so he slept on the floor with 2 blankets and no pillows. Sometimes he loses his meals and is fed bread and water.

I usually stay out of people's way when they discipline their kids, but this seems a little over the top. Does anybody have some advice for dealing with this situation?

That's a tough one. I have a hard time picturing any sort of circumstance where a child should have that type of thing done for any sort of extended amount of time. Sent to his room for an evening, sure. Locked in his room for days? Never. Fed bread and water for one meal after complaining? Sure. Fed bread and water repeatedly for days? Never.

So, I'm asking myself, if I were in your shoes, what would I do? Like others, I would be wary of getting child services involved, but I also wouldn't want to do nothing. If I had a fairly good relationship with the dad, I might say, "Hey, I really hate saying this, because I don't feel like I should generally interfere with how others raise their kids, but some things you told me the other day are really troubling me... I'm having a hard time seeing how that is an appropriate response to any behavior by a child." And see if the dad will give you any more info. Maybe the kid really is Satan personified at home, and that's the only possible way of dealing with him (I doubt it). Or maybe you misunderstood the dad, and the "locked in room" business was just a 2-hour stint, or something like that.

If the guy were a member of my ward (I don't know if either/both of you are LDS), but I didn't know him that well, I might well talk to the bishop about it, and have him talk to the dad or at least warn the kid's teachers in the ward to watch for signs of abuse. If my kid and his kid were in the same class at school, I might talk to the teacher, again to alert the teacher that something odd is going on and to watch for other possible signs of abuse.

Good luck choosing what to do. It sounds like for you own peace of mind you should do *something*, though. Otherwise you'll never forgive yourself if anything does happen to the kid.

Edit: another thing you should do is read up on signs of abuse yourself. If you recognize any of those signs in the child from when he was over at your house before, then you should almost certainly get child services involved.

 

[CONAN]

For the OP, I'd say do nothing for now. That's a little weird but if it's for a short time then no biggie.

Creative discipline is nice but sometimes I find it interesting how much parents/teachers will put themselves out just to discipline a kid. They (parents/teachers) punish themselves more sometimes. But other times those methods work.

I tend to keep it simple and just put the fear of God in them early on and then draw on that. "Please don't slam your door or my foot will be in your ***", "Please don't do drugs or my foot will be in your ***", "Please get good grades or my foot will be in your ***".