Perhaps as a means of escaping the crippling depression that has gripped me ever since I first realized that aintnuthin has returned to this board, I've recently been reminiscing back to the early days of Jazzfanz (as can be seen on another post on the main board). Now, don't get me wrong, this will be no doe-eyed recollection of a simpler time when discourse was civil and over 15% of the board had graduated high school. Jazzfanz, quite frankly, has always been retarded in one way or another. But as posters have emerged from the land of the banned, I can't help but wonder what happened to a few that once graced these hallowed halls. Other old-timers, feel free to add your own.
Hand-Lotion: After joining the board upon experiencing the revelation that was Ben Handlogten, Hand-Lotion was the only poster I knew that had two completely different and yet completely legitimate posting styles. The first, which we'll call Sober Hand-Lotion, was usually a well-measured if xenophobic account of typical Jazz topics, if laced with a few profanities (which were, at that time, pretty rare on the board). The second, which we'll call...well...just Hand-Lotion would cripple the server on which the Profanity Filter was located in a drunken and incoherent rant that recalled both the best and worst of James Joyce. Phrases like "*beep* *beep* *beep* salad *beep* *beep* European trash *beep* *beep* shlit *beep* *beep*" were not uncommon. He was like Sean Reynolds, but less angry. Unfortunately, when the Great War began, he joined Team LTV and was lost when his leader went into exile.
Newsbreaker: During the fifth year of Carlos Boozer's return from a mild ankle twinge, some douche from a Lakers' newsgroup--I can't remember his name for the life of me--posted that a trade was imminent featuring Carlos Boozer and Lamar Odom. Mr. Douche only preached upon Jazzfanz for a week or so, but when he left, he gave us his retarded prophet, Newsbreaker. Newsbreaker was like a less coherent liemd, which is really saying something. For approximately the next three years, he would "break" news stories on impending trades, most of which ended with the phrase "BOOZER IS LOOZER." For some reason, this slogan never caught on. On the aintnuthin scale of trolls he was merely a 3, but he was remarkably persistent for a short while. He, too, faded into Bolivia.
Coach: We've had people who were odd posters on this board, but Coach, I think it is safe to say, was the oddest human being to ever grace Jazzfanz. He appeared from the ether upon the Jazz signing Keith McLeod and delivered numerous koans about McLeod. When someone accused him of actually being Keith McLeod, he came clean: he was his middle school basketball coach. For some reason, this made him privy to occasional (and surprisingly accurate) insider information. Unfortunately, it also made him post numerous threads per day demonstrating that McLeod was a far better point guard than Deron Williams (though always in the most obsequious manner possible). The best part of his shtick--well, besides the offended private messages whenever anyone made any comment regarding McLeod as less than the Messiah--was his posting style, which was classic "fifty-year-old discovers the Internet." The best person at impersonating him was always bordelais7, but alas, he's been banned.
Pavel_Podkolzin: He once posted a giant picture of a teddy bear reading a book in a game thread. He was amazing.
a: a is the single greatest mystery that ever hit Jazzfanz. It is still unclear if a was male, female, or even an organic lifeform. All we really know about him/her/it is that he/she/it held an abiding love for Andrei Kirilenko that infrequently erupted into .JPG-laden poetry with strong homoerotic overtones. One of the great tragedies of the collapse of the Old Jazzfanz is that there was a private forum that held eight of a's poems/posts on the server. We'll never know what was in there. It might have changed us all.
Jeremy:
C: Okur/Borchardt/Radojevic
PF: Boozer/Collins/Humphries
SF: Kirilenko/Harpring
SG: Bell/Giricek/Snyder
PG: Arroyo/Eisley/McLeod
OldSchoolRules: Our first resident punk expert, OSR probably performed the most amazing feat of all: he posted on Jazzfanz and still managed to not seem like a douche.
Hand-Lotion: After joining the board upon experiencing the revelation that was Ben Handlogten, Hand-Lotion was the only poster I knew that had two completely different and yet completely legitimate posting styles. The first, which we'll call Sober Hand-Lotion, was usually a well-measured if xenophobic account of typical Jazz topics, if laced with a few profanities (which were, at that time, pretty rare on the board). The second, which we'll call...well...just Hand-Lotion would cripple the server on which the Profanity Filter was located in a drunken and incoherent rant that recalled both the best and worst of James Joyce. Phrases like "*beep* *beep* *beep* salad *beep* *beep* European trash *beep* *beep* shlit *beep* *beep*" were not uncommon. He was like Sean Reynolds, but less angry. Unfortunately, when the Great War began, he joined Team LTV and was lost when his leader went into exile.
Newsbreaker: During the fifth year of Carlos Boozer's return from a mild ankle twinge, some douche from a Lakers' newsgroup--I can't remember his name for the life of me--posted that a trade was imminent featuring Carlos Boozer and Lamar Odom. Mr. Douche only preached upon Jazzfanz for a week or so, but when he left, he gave us his retarded prophet, Newsbreaker. Newsbreaker was like a less coherent liemd, which is really saying something. For approximately the next three years, he would "break" news stories on impending trades, most of which ended with the phrase "BOOZER IS LOOZER." For some reason, this slogan never caught on. On the aintnuthin scale of trolls he was merely a 3, but he was remarkably persistent for a short while. He, too, faded into Bolivia.
Coach: We've had people who were odd posters on this board, but Coach, I think it is safe to say, was the oddest human being to ever grace Jazzfanz. He appeared from the ether upon the Jazz signing Keith McLeod and delivered numerous koans about McLeod. When someone accused him of actually being Keith McLeod, he came clean: he was his middle school basketball coach. For some reason, this made him privy to occasional (and surprisingly accurate) insider information. Unfortunately, it also made him post numerous threads per day demonstrating that McLeod was a far better point guard than Deron Williams (though always in the most obsequious manner possible). The best part of his shtick--well, besides the offended private messages whenever anyone made any comment regarding McLeod as less than the Messiah--was his posting style, which was classic "fifty-year-old discovers the Internet." The best person at impersonating him was always bordelais7, but alas, he's been banned.
Pavel_Podkolzin: He once posted a giant picture of a teddy bear reading a book in a game thread. He was amazing.
a: a is the single greatest mystery that ever hit Jazzfanz. It is still unclear if a was male, female, or even an organic lifeform. All we really know about him/her/it is that he/she/it held an abiding love for Andrei Kirilenko that infrequently erupted into .JPG-laden poetry with strong homoerotic overtones. One of the great tragedies of the collapse of the Old Jazzfanz is that there was a private forum that held eight of a's poems/posts on the server. We'll never know what was in there. It might have changed us all.
Jeremy:
C: Okur/Borchardt/Radojevic
PF: Boozer/Collins/Humphries
SF: Kirilenko/Harpring
SG: Bell/Giricek/Snyder
PG: Arroyo/Eisley/McLeod
OldSchoolRules: Our first resident punk expert, OSR probably performed the most amazing feat of all: he posted on Jazzfanz and still managed to not seem like a douche.
