Had another fun one, although this didn't involve as much poop as just gas. It was embarrassing as hell, but I have kind of gotten used to it. I am in Berlin for a few weeks with work, and the office area here is very neo euro chic, with open desk spaces, no walls, everyone sees and hears pretty much everything. It gets crazy when several folks are on conference calls all at the same time.
Anyway we went out for lunch with some coworkers and we had döner kebab. Oh that part was heaven, the aftermath was not. I got back to the office and felt it building up and figured I had time to get to the bathroom, then my phone rang and it was the president of our wing of ebay. I had been waiting for his call so of course I took it, and felt the pressure really begin to build. Partway through our conversation I tried to jiggle sideways a bit to relieve some of the pressure and it came out with a high-pitched whine, like pinching off a balloon, so I stopped immediately, already getting stares from some of the young euro chic professionals there (this is the marketing, client on-boarding, and logistics group, 25 or so 20- and 30-something's all with multiple monitor setups and dressed like they just stepped out of a 60's fashion magazine, oh so chic, as they keep saying).
Well we finished our conversation and I wasn't sure what to do. The wave was progressing in my gut, pushing to try to get out then retreating to rally the troops and bring in fresh recruits before trying to force its way out of my butt again. Each wave brought on some nausea and pretty severe cramping pain. I held it and tried to stand up discretely to start making my way across the entire room to the bathroom outside in the hall, probably 120 feet away. My butt betrayed me and let a squeaker out. It was the tiny ***** in the armor and I felt everything else pushing out behind it, so I did the only thing I felt I could to. I ran for it.
My *** proceeded to bleat and burp and honk and toot with each step. It sounded like a flock of geese, some with allergies, trying to get out of my ***. Some were long and low, some sharp and almost like a bark, many were accompanied with squishing sounds and the occasional splat. And oh what I sight I must have been. A big overweight American in out of style clothes trying desperately to squeeze my *** cheeks together while also trying to run across the room, with my *** blatting out its horrifying chorus with every single step. I was walking half-stiff-legged due to the tightened butt muscles and it must have looked like I was trying to run with casts on my legs, lurching each foot forward, clenching the *** cheeks to no avail. Pretty sure I had a look on my face like someone was trying to pull my intestines right out of me through my ********.
I finally made it to the hallway and into the bathroom. There I really let loose and, having already had some experience with this bathroom, I knew how thin the walls were. There was no way they didn't hear everything. I sat there for maybe 5 minutes after the onslaught and thought about my options.
I decided to just make as laid back and cheerful an entrance as I could. I went into the little kitchenette there, got me a glass of sparkling mineral water, and walked back into the room, head held high, chest out, shoulders back, looking everyone who dared straight in the face. I saw the humor in it and had a little playful smile on my face.
No one said a word. Only a few looked at me and quickly retreated, burying themselves in their computers, typing furiously. I got back to my desk, sat down and looked around the room, somewhat self-satisfied. Only then, sitting at my desk did I notice the breeze and pick up on the evidence of the one factor I hadn't thought about through all the wonderful music my *** had created.
Every single window in the room was suddenly wide open.
