It sounds like the husband has stopped caring for or valuing her, and she's found that in someone else. If that's true, you're right. Nothing you say will change this.
When Your Best Friend is Cheating...
- Thread starter JazzGal
- Start date
Only if you can watch, lol.
In all seriousness, for me it would not make a difference. I told my wife when we dated that if she wanted to date other people she should. I've also told her if she is falling for someone else to be honest about it so we can continue to get along. You only live once, and should do what makes you happy. If I can't make her happy, then she should not be with me. However, if you have committed to be faithful to someone, you should be. If you can no longer make that commitment, be upfront and honest about it. The longer it drags on the worse it will be, especially for any kids that get wrapped up in the emotional baggage that comes with it.
JazzGal made an astute observation about how the husband has basically ignored her needs, has poor grooming, etc. You need to know your spouse's love language, whether it is attention, touch, etc., and make sure that need is fulfilled. Marriage takes work. You can make a lot of mistakes and have an imperfect marriage if you fulfill some basic desires and needs of your spouse.
Most cheating occurs because the person cheating is missing something in their home life that they need to be fulfilled. Sometimes they don't know, which is why upfront discussions can save a marriage, or at least help to keep the relationship from being completely severed.
I had a buddy that cheated on his to be wife during his bachelor party in Vegas (the girl he hooked up was having her bachelorette party as well). The other woman lived near me and he wanted to come visit me to continue the hookup, and I said no. Eventually the woman's husband found out about it and it ended their marriage. My buddy's wife never found out. If I were that other woman's husband, you'd be damn sure I'd be calling my buddy's wife to let her know. My friend lucked out. I'm sure he continues with other women and will eventually destroy his marriage. Feel bad for his wife.
If I'm reading you correctly, you feel like your friend, out of comfort of your friendship, has put you in a position that you find uncomfortable. If your friend feels comfortable enough in your relationship to burden you with that, then you should feel comfortable enough in the relationship to handle that how you feel you can handle it and shouldn't feel you have to work harder at appeasing her in this situation than she's working (or not working) at appeasing you in her situation. It's not all on you to maintain an imbalance in expectation in the scenario.
olden_undercover
Well-Known Member
I've stated openly on this forum that my personal journey has included a long period where I was a serial cheater, and completely immersed in sex/love addiction. It cost me a marriage and years of what I can only describe as complete emotional blindness. JG, you said, "How I've handled it so far is to listen. I've told her that all I can see ahead for her is a lot of pain for everyone she loves. I'm not sugarcoating my feelings, but I'm also being gently reasonable. I've also reassured her that I will be in her corner, no matter what happens." I'm here to tell you, reflecting on my own experience, and how deluded I became by the "high" of pursuing the feeling of "being in love", or of sexual gratification, etc., that this observation is the sum total of what you can provide for your friend. She is on a path, and only she can alter her course. She probably will not do it. It's tempting to get caught up in her justifications, or anybody's justifications, for what her husband is/isn't doing to contribute to it, but that's all frankly irrelevant. Contextually, she didn't just decide out of the blue that she is attracted to women; this is more likely the inevitable expression of combined repressed identity issues and earlier trauma in her life. If she is willing to find a good therapist, and to be brutally honest with them, she can find a way through this that minimizes the damage to herself and her loved ones; if she wants to remain buried in the fairytale she's created, her chances of bringing about the extraordinary harm she seems to believe is possible are pretty high.
Either way, you're an exceptional friend to this woman, and I think we all know your online presence, at least, to be kind and conscientious. If you were my sister, I'd advise you to be really careful not to get too immersed in this woman's drama, and to make sure you are doing for yourself as much as or more than you are doing for her. But I suspect you know that already.
Either way, you're an exceptional friend to this woman, and I think we all know your online presence, at least, to be kind and conscientious. If you were my sister, I'd advise you to be really careful not to get too immersed in this woman's drama, and to make sure you are doing for yourself as much as or more than you are doing for her. But I suspect you know that already.
Threesome
I agree with your statement that their relationship may have become a victim of time, JG. Did your friend marry young? I would think if your spouse were your first you might eventually wonder what a new love would feel like, especially when there's religion involved.
Sent from my SM-G986U using JazzFanz mobile app
Sent from my SM-G986U using JazzFanz mobile app
These people are all too old for that kind of energy.
JimLes
Well-Known Member
I feel like I'm in the minority here, but I don't see why you need to balance things here. I'd like to think I'm a ride-or-die kinda friend, but I see your sole job in this situation as being a supportive, non-judgmental friend.
I know it's not easy to watch someone close to you do things you believe are obviously a bad idea, but I'm sure you know there's probably nothing you can say or do that will actually significantly influence her decisions. People do what they want to do. Your friend is likely not confiding in you because she excepts you to make the right decisions for you, but because she just needs someone to hear her out. Nothing good will come of you offering realism or sober truths. If you turn out to be wrong, you never had faith in your friend. If you turn out to be right, your friend will probably resent you for being right.
The actual specifics of this situation are wholly irrelevant. Your friend needs to you be there for her, and no matter the outcome, she'll likely to appreciate that in the end.
My female friend also cheated on her husband with a women. Eventually she left her husband for this women after years of having an affair behind his back. She mostly stayed for the kids. The two women are very happy now and have been married for years. She kept it a secret from everyone for awhile. Eventually she told some close friends. Some of her other friends stopped being her friend. I dont base my friendships on their decisions. I kept my opinions to myself unless she asked for advice. I told her I didnt approve of cheating behind your spouses back, but also that she should be happy and if the marriage wasnt making her happy to move on and let the spouse move on. The worst is to drag them along. At this point it seems your friend is just afraid to burst everyone bubble and deal with the fall out but its inevitable that is whats going to happen. She will lose friends and family over it and upset a lot of people. Some of those people will come back around. But more and more rumors about it will swirl and eventually get to someone that will tell him.
I suspect this will also be how my friend's life will go. And I will be her friend through it all.
If they've been together 35 years, and I apologize if you said this specifically and I missed it, I assume her kids are grown, why is she still with him? Putting aside that staying together for the kids is usually a bad idea (kids are better off with 2 happy parents who live apart than 2 miserable ones who are together, and that's even leaving aside the probable fighting), that's over. She deserves to be happy and, frankly, she owes him the chance to be happy as well, because you can bet he's not either.