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Did you have doubts when you got married?

To me the perfect progression would be

1. Finish high school (18 y.o.)
2. Travel and have some fun with friends or whatever
3. Go to college - or get a job (~20 y.o.)
4. Finish college and get a job - or get ahead in your job (~22-24 y.o.)
5. Along the way date and figure out what you want in a spouse.
6. Find someone who really matters to you, maybe get engaged, stay that way for a while (~24-28 y.o.)
7. Get married (~25-30+ y.o.)
8. Enjoy being married and getting to know each other for a while (~27-32+ y.o.)
9. Have kids - if you want to (~28-34+ y.o.)

I think #8 is an important step that lots of people who get married young miss out on. I know we did. We got married when I was 21 and my wife was 23. We had our first kid 11 months later. We have made it work, we have been married nearly 20 years. But the first 3 years were VERY hard because we didn't take the time to really get to know each other, and getting married, not to mention having kids, fundamentally changes who you both are.
 
Not a question in my mind or butterfly in my stomach the day I said, "I do." We had been only been dating for 3 months (first date on July 2nd, '89) when we decided we would get married after the first of the year. We decided mid-November that we wanted to spend Christmas together and moved the date up to Nov. 30th of 1989. Yes, we were asked more than once if my wife was pregnant, and no, she wasn't.

After 22 years of marriage I have no doubts and no regrets that I made the right decision. I love my wife just as much now as I did the first day I met her. The past 22 years have flown by. Granted, there have been hardships along the way and some rough times (mostly monetary in nature) but through it all we have loved each other and I know I would do it all over again in exactly the same way, no questions asked.

Regarding commonalities between yourself and your spouse, I absolutely believe wholeheartedly that it is critical that you marry someone with the same beliefs & religion as yourself. These may not seem such a big deal when it is between yourself and your spouse but once you introduce kids into the equation all rationality and liberal thinking go out the window. It will be a huge deal.

I've seen several people say that if you aren't nervous or don't question the relationship you are delusional. I tend to think that if you are questioning the relationship there is something not quite right and you should probably not get married.
 
Scat said:
Regarding commonalities between yourself and your spouse, I absolutely believe wholeheartedly that it is critical that you marry someone with the same beliefs & religion as yourself. [/B]
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I heard a saying on my mission that has always stuck with me. "It is easier to make a pretty girl Mormon than a Mormon girl pretty." I don't use this saying much around my mom, sister and sister in-laws.
 
Duck Rodgers said:
Dude, if you want Riley Nelson back, we will be more than happy to exchange him for Brother Turbin.
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No way man, takers keepers. Seriously though, had Nelson came back I don't know if he would have played at USU. We had Borel and now we have Chuckie. My only problem with the way that whole Nelson thing went down was the fact that all the Y fans (at least the ones I talked to) acted like they had just stole Tim Tebow from us. I say you can have him. Incedently, I found the article in the Trib today about the former Logan qb who is now playing in Cali interesting. From what I heard Riley's parents basically drove him out of town so Riley's little bro could have the job at Logan High. I could be misinformed though.
 
The only reason to get married before 30 is if these two things happen at the same time:

1. The girl you are going to marry is ridiculously hot.
2. The girl you are going to marry is ridiculously good at cooking.

If she doesn't meet these two criterion simultaneously, then wait.
 
Cyrone Torbin said:
The only reason to get married before 30 is if these two things happen at the same time:

1. The girl you are going to marry is ridiculously hot.
2. The girl you are going to marry is ridiculously good at cooking.

If she doesn't meet these two criterion simultaneously, then wait.
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My wife meets both criteria so that must be it.
 
Duck Rodgers said:
You guys sound like a bunch of liberal weenies. You should go have random sex until your 35...find yourself....then get married.... have 1 child..... and then no more after that because you don't want to hog resources or breath up too much precious CO2. You can attend their high school events in your wheelchair and be dead by the time they are 20. That's the plan.
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If they are breathing up our "precious CO2" they won't be living too long anyway.
 
I have my doubts about the institution of marriage all together.

If it works out, you stay married for life and it is fulfilling then it has major benefits for both man and woman. Also, if both partners make similar amounts of money and participate in the kids lives equally, it can end on somewhat good terms for both parties. However, if you're in a relationship where the man makes the money and the woman takes care of the kids and the house then marriage is a trap that a woman can get out of easily but men are generally stuck providing the woman with the lifestyle she enjoyed while married, while the man gets none of the benefits the marriage once provided.

Marriage can be great. But divorce seems to be a very bad deal for men in general. Be very careful!
 
Beantown said:
If they are breathing up our "precious CO2" they won't be living too long anyway.
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Breath up as in releasing their vile respiration into the air. I'll admit, most lefties in the US aren't quite that extreme yet, but they eventually shift into the views of "Enlightened" European liberals who are always a step or two more "progressive" than the ones here so we're almost there. See how the European press was treating David Beckham for having another kid recently, or the infamous Agenda 21 that the UN/Club of Rome is always salivating to get moving faster on for example.
 
LogGrad's timeline seems about ideal to me, although mine was much different.

I was married at 21 years old, but had known my wife since 1st grade and we had dated since we were juniors in high school. When we turned 18 we moved in together, and I landed a sales job that paid me $50k a year at 19 years old. I bought a house that same year and the rest is history. We are now going on our 9th year of marriage, and 3 kids later we are very happy.

For me, I didn't really have much to doubt. I knew my wife very well. We had lived together already and we had common goals and beliefs. I would say that any serious doubts or reservations need to thoroughly explored before any proposal of marriage.
 
LogGrad98 said:
To me the perfect progression would be

1. Finish high school (18 y.o.)
2. Travel and have some fun with friends or whatever
3. Go to college - or get a job (~20 y.o.)
4. Finish college and get a job - or get ahead in your job (~22-24 y.o.)
5. Along the way date and figure out what you want in a spouse.
6. Find someone who really matters to you, maybe get engaged, stay that way for a while (~24-28 y.o.)
7. Get married (~25-30+ y.o.)
8. Enjoy being married and getting to know each other for a while (~27-32+ y.o.)
9. Have kids - if you want to (~28-34+ y.o.)

I think #8 is an important step that lots of people who get married young miss out on. I know we did. We got married when I was 21 and my wife was 23. We had our first kid 11 months later. We have made it work, we have been married nearly 20 years. But the first 3 years were VERY hard because we didn't take the time to really get to know each other, and getting married, not to mention having kids, fundamentally changes who you both are.
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I especially agree with #8 as well not only cause if it doesn't work out then you have to drag kids through a divorce as with my first marriage. Also as you stated even if you know each other well somethings just usually change when you get married and it is good to get to know and grow as a "married" couple because once the kids come there are somethings you can't do and even more things that are harder/complicated to do.
I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world but just looking back I could see how things could've been easier and it would the advice I would give others.
 
TheDude said:
LogGrad's timeline seems about ideal to me, although mine was much different.

I was married at 21 years old, but had known my wife since 1st grade and we had dated since we were juniors in high school. When we turned 18 we moved in together, and I landed a sales job that paid me $50k a year at 19 years old. I bought a house that same year and the rest is history. We are now going on our 9th year of marriage, and 3 kids later we are very happy.

For me, I didn't really have much to doubt. I knew my wife very well. We had lived together already and we had common goals and beliefs. I would say that any serious doubts or reservations need to thoroughly explored before any proposal of marriage.
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That's a cool story and I'm happy for you.

But I think it's fair to say that you are without a doubt the exception.

I'm in my late 30's and most guys I know around my age that got married before the age of 25 are either divorced or still married but concede if they had to do it over again they would not had gotten married so young. And I'm sure most of those guys felt the same connection that you did with your wife when you were 21.
 
candrew said:
That's a cool story and I'm happy for you.

But I think it's fair to say that you are without a doubt the exception.

I'm in my late 30's and most guys I know around my age that got married before the age of 25 are either divorced or still married but concede if they had to do it over again they would not had gotten married so young. And I'm sure most of those guys felt the same connection that you did with your wife when you were 21.
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No doubt brotha... my story is the exception. Like I said, I think what LogGrad posted is probably ideal for most people.
 
The Thriller said:
Did you feel anxious or have doubts before you got married? What were they? Looking back now, were their legit?
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If you don't experience doubts, you're either in denial or not making a serious commitment.

Love does not overcome anything. Love can be the fuel, but the overcoming is a matter of hard work, compromise, and a willingness to accept.

In case it matters, I'm a then-JW-now-atheist liberal married to a Baptist conservative for the past 22 years.
 
candrew said:
That's a cool story and I'm happy for you.

But I think it's fair to say that you are without a doubt the exception.

I'm in my late 30's and most guys I know around my age that got married before the age of 25 are either divorced or still married but concede if they had to do it over again they would not had gotten married so young. And I'm sure most of those guys felt the same connection that you did with your wife when you were 21.
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I fully concede that if I had it all to do over again I would have mapped it closer to the timeline I posted. We got married after a whirlwind romance of 5 months (having been acquaintances for a couple years). She really had no idea who she was marrying, and I didn't either. The doubts set in about a month before we got married, when she had become comfortable enough in the relationship to start letting out some of the baggage. But, I was hooked and wasn't about to run the risk of losing her. For the first 3 years, as we dealt together with issues from her past (she grew up in a pretty tough environment), I realized I had a chance to bail and it wouldn't look too bad. Several times I almost took it.

So, yes, I wish we had followed a different progression. I think I would have been a better husband and dad if I hadn't rushed into things. That is of course, neither here nor there, it's just how I feel.

But I am glad we stuck it out and are together and I am more in love with her now than I ever was in the beginning. That is largely because over the years you learn there is a big difference between romantic love/lust and true love. And like OneBrow said, it takes work. That romantic crap will last you all of until the first time you put a Jazz game ahead of dinner with her best friend (who I couldn't stand). It becomes very real very fast. And it takes a lot of effort in changing ourselves to make it work over the long haul, because if you go at it with the attitude of changing the other person, well then you better make sure you had a good prenup.
 
I'm a firm believe in the 80-20 rule of compromise. You see yourself compromising 80% of the time and your spouse compromising 20% of the time. You accept that your spouse sees themself compromising 80% of the time and you 20% of the time.
 
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