Danny Ainge: "Welcome, Brother and Sister Hayward! Thanks for swinging by church to make this happen."
Gordon Hayward: (looking around the potluck awkwardly) "Gordon is fine. Ummm. I have to say, Danny, I've been in Utah for seven years and I've never been to one of these Mormon mingles things."
Danny Ainge: "Linger longer. Really? Never? You're just so clean cut and nice. . . and white. I just made an *** out of U and Me!"
Gordon Hayward: (looks around awkwardly again)
Danny Ainge: "Anywhoo. Let's get down to business. Did you see Fenway? Pretty cool, am I right?"
Gordon Hayward: "Sure. I'm more interested in what the plan is to put together a championship team that can knock off the Cavs and then the Warriors. What can the Celtics offer me?"
Danny Ainge: "I'm glad you asked. That's a great question. It's just lucky for me that Rondo broke his thumb and we weren't embarrassed by getting knocked out by a #8 seed. I mean. . . if Chicago had beaten us we're probably not even having this conversation right now. We got swept by the Cavs. I'd hate to see what the Warriors would have done to us."
Gordon Hayward: "Uh, okay."
Danny Ainge: "Anywhoo. . . Back to brass tacks! For starters we have IT and Al Horford as our two core guys. Have you seen them? They're around here somewhere. IT probably went back for more potstickers. He sure loves his potstickers. I'm not too concerned about the fact that they're both getting old and have each had pretty major injuries in their career."
Gordon Hayward: "Ummm."
Danny Ainge: "Anywhoo. We also have a bunch of young players and a boatload of assets. I could have traded some of those for Jimmy Butler or Paul George, but I'm worried that I might lose Kelly Olynyck if I did that. I really hate to burn an asset before I have to."
Gordon Hayward: "But don't you have to use those to add star players in order compete?"
Danny Ainge: (leans in and whispers) "Some people think so, but I have a totally different philosophy. Nobody else knows what in the heavens I'm doing right now. . . but I have to tell you that I'm really excited to have a team nearly entirely made up of short point guards and defensive wings. Rebounds are extremrly overrated. I have numbers to back that up."
Isaiah Thomas walks up to the table with a plate heaping full of potstickers. Al Horford awkwardly hovers slightly behind Gordon and Robyn.
IT: (mouth full) "What? I'm a growing boy."
Gordon Hayward: (turns back to IT) "How's the hip?"
IT: "It sucks. I might have to get surgery going into my contract year. I'm going to have to jack up shots like a madman if I'm going to get a max contract. It's a good thing Al doesn't really need the ball much."
Gordon Hayward: (brightens up) "Yeah Rudy Gobert is the same way. Plays defense. Sets picks. Leads by example. He's the definition of team player."
IT: "Oh, I hate that mother****er!"
Relief society president drops her plate as she's walking to her table. She hustles away as quickly as she can - possibly crying.
Danny Ainge: "Isaiah. Language please?"
IT: "I'm sorry. I just hate that he made fun of our team on twitter. It hurt my feelings and made me mad. I mean. . . we're the Celtics man. We've got 17 championships."
Gordon Hayward: "Well, he's kind of right, isn't he?"
Danny, IT and Horford all look at Gordon with blank stares.
Gordon Hayward: "I mean, the Celtics have only won one championship since I was born. Bill Russell and Larry Bird were both awesome ages ago. Outside of the Lebron James teams, what has anyone in the Eastern conference done to be relevant in the past decade?"
Danny Ainge: "Have I shown you my assets yet?"
Gordon Hayward: (rolls eyes) "Yes Danny. Everyone knows that you have nice assets. Where's Brad? I want to say hi to him before I go back home."
