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Your most memorable poos

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LogGrad98 said:
Some medical issues can wreak havoc on your body on ways you might not expect. I developed "vomiting" diarrhea (explanation forthcoming), as it came to be known, when I was working through a particularly bad bout of pneumonia involving multiple antibiotics. We were having dinner at our house with some of my wife's family who came to visit us while I was sick, spaghetti I believe. I had that gurgly tummy going on and had already squirted some pure liquid streams at a fairly alarming velocity. One even hit the back of the toilet and carried over out under the toilet seat spraying the wall and back of the toilet with a nice greenish brown shade.

Well I thought I had it pretty much under control while we were eating, but about halfway through dinner I felt the ole stomach starting to bubble again. I could tell this was something different as the cramping set in full force. I stood to excuse myself, turned part way around to leave the room, and stumbled a little over the chair leg, catching myself at exactly the wrong angle, when my colon vomited, and I mean a totally involuntary, violently cramping spastic spray of fecal hell at an alarming rate of both speed and volume. It came clean through the sweat pants I was wearing, and exited in a fine mist that coated the table, chairs, food, dishes, and the people on the other side of the table in that same earthy greenish brown. It was punctuated with spurts of gas that seemed to accelerate the rush of liquid poo and cause splattering that managed to hit about a 160 degree radius from the point of exit. I felt like my intestines were being ripped out of me with a treble hook.

It continued as I tried to run down the hall, shooting down my pant leg coloring my socks and leaving little greenish puddly footprints everywhere I stepped. Ironically, it appeared my colon had shot its entire wad by the time I got to the actual toilet and all I could muster was a few little farts and a minor squirt. It was a 2 hour job for 3 people to clean it all up, especially considering it triggered more than one bout of regular vomit from our "guests". The incident is still spoken of in awe to this day, if spoken of at all.

If there is any consolation, apparently my father-in-law caught it full-on in the face while taking a bite of spaghetti. Gotta appreciate the little things sometimes.
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You are the real life Walter White, arent you?
 
This thread sickening doe, man. Yo, man. I actually ate pasta and forgot about this thread in sense of eating it, Im glad I did, because Logs memorable colon buster was traumatizing.

I will never look at my **** the same again.
 
So has anyone heard of irritable bowel syndrome? It is my constant companion and "best friend", a souvenir from chemo, the gift that just keeps on giving. It is often triggered by eating too much in one sitting, or too much greasy food, or because it is Wednesday, or because it is hard to get out of the aisle in a busy movie theater. When it hits, it takes no prisoners and gives no quarter. It is that right-now, this-****-is-urgent, time to give birth kind of fecal experience.

So we were living in a small town east of Reno called Fernley. We had met some friends for sushi in Reno at lunchtime in the summer, think it was June. We went to Walmart and the irritable bowel aura started gurgling through my nether-regions. I made it through the Walmart ok, leaving some toxic clouds in my wake, and I was sure generating some decent tobacco stains, but otherwise unscathed. I knew if I could get in the car I could at least sit on the exit point and hold back the tide until I could get to my own bathroom, because this is NOT the kind of thing you want to leave in any other bathroom, for fear of permanently scarring anyone nearby when it releases.

So we got in the van, I sat down fast, screwed the buttcheeks down tight, and waited for my wife to load the groceries in the vehicle. After a few painful waves and teeth-grinding pressure, my bowels seemed to settle down. This was par for the course, I had been there, done that before, and I knew all I had to do was ride the wave until it all crawled back up inside and I was good for another 10 minutes, maybe less. A cycle of these was manageable to a point, but only to a point, and I knew we had to get on the road. Finally she was done loading the car and we were off.

It is about a 30 minute drive from the Walmart on Kietzke lane to our house in Fernely. I had to fight back 2 or 3 waves on the way, and it wasn't going well. Some escaped despite my best efforts and the gas was just short of mustard gas. My wife rode the distance with her head out the window. We phoned ahead and had the kids open the front door wide, get any toys or anything out of the way, and open all the doors into the master bathroom, where I knew I would be holed up for a good 45 minutes or so upon arrival. I was mentally bracing myself to make a mad dash and hopefully not release the wave on the way in.

As we came down the street, I noticed a car in front of our house. As we got closer we saw a couple of people standing outside talking to my oldest son. Oh crap, it was our home teachers. I forgot they were coming over, and now here they were. I knew I didn't have any time to talk, and wouldn't be able to stand still for longer than a few seconds without releasing a colostic wave of epic proportions.

We pulled in the driveway, and I prepared myself to just rush past them when one of them walked right to the car and waved. I didn't know what to do and told my wife to run interference for me. She hopped out and quickly tried to ask them to help with the groceries, but my son, at 13 years old and trying to be helpful, informed them that I had to "poop really bad" and that was why the doors were open. The guys looked perplexed, and just kind of stood there as I just cinched that ****** up tight and made a mad dash.

I thought I was home free, if a little embarrassed, as I brushed past one of their outstretched hands without even attempting to shake it, when my foot caught on the edge of the door sill and I went down.

One of the home teachers, a younger guy who was a recent convert, rushed over to help me up, but as I stood I felt the dam give way. Soupy brown sludge poured down my leg, right out of the bottom of my shorts and rushed over my foot and splashed up on his shoes. The smell was immediate, and gag-inducing. He looked down, and, I **** you not, said "mother ****er" while he tried to jump out of the way. He looked like I had just screwed, **** on, and killed his puppy all at the same time. I was pretty confident he was on the edge of puking but I couldn't wait to find out.

I turned and sloshed down the hallway, spurred on by little shotgun farts and more sludge, and slipped as I rounded the corner and went down again. I kicked off my shoes, hoping to get better traction in my socks since my shoes were now lubricated with the slimy stuff, and made it to the bathroom where I deposited a dino-sized pile of fecal matter that was the consistency of melting soft-serve and oatmeal mixed, and smelled like a sewer treatment plant gone wrong, like out of a Stephen King story or something. I am convinced that the smell permeated the walls and you can probably still smell it to this day.

When I was done the home teachers had gone. Imagine that.
 
LogGrad turning this thread into a JF classic


Sent from the JazzFanz app
 
After 48 hrs. or worrying, We have finally dropped deuce.

March 28, 2014
6:52 A.M.

Urgency: Moderate
Satisfaction: High
Density: High
Constipation level: Had to give it a push.
Food: Bunch or random food. But it was turned a healthy green by sumthin
Slime level: Medium
Burning sensation: Light
Pieces: Several, with one large mother-ship piece.
Shape: Varied for the smaller pieces. The mother-ship was classic snake type
Pieces of toilet paper used: 4
Amount of poo left in butt: More than I would like, about to shower, will get the rest.
Overall: 7/10, Felt good after going so long without. This was a "**** is this gonna clog the toilet" type of poo. Little to slimy for top marks.
 
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