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Post Moronic Things You've Done to Make Me Feel Better About What I Did

My life's not working for me. All I really want to do is smoke weed, play board games, watch basketball and play with myself. Unfortunately, none of that **** pays the bills. I need a sponsor.

Or a rich fat chick/geezer chick.
 
My life's not working for me. All I really want to do is smoke weed, play board games, watch basketball and play with myself. Unfortunately, none of that **** pays the bills. I need a sponsor.

I don't have a basement but you're welcome to my trailer. You're responsible for propane for heat, mowing the lawn and shoveling snow, and babysitting for 4 hours every Wednesday. You cannot smoke in the yard but the train tracks are close enough to take a walk, and church is at 11. When do we start?
 
I don't have a basement but you're welcome to my trailer. You're responsible for propane for heat, mowing the lawn and shoveling snow, and babysitting for 4 hours every Wednesday. You cannot smoke in the yard but the train tracks are close enough to take a walk, and church is at 11. When do we start?

Screw that. Brother Camp, you can come live down here. We have no snow to shovel, the HOA mows the grass, and you can smoke on the lot across the street that has easily the best view in the valley.
 
Are we still sharing moronic things or just discussing sexual-orientation-ambiguous living arrangements?
 
I once sold my old Ford Focus to new Algerian immigrant and he nicely asked me to drive it to his place next day as he had no means of getting to my place to pick it up... Stupidly enough I agreed and canceled car insurance the same day. Next day driving to his freaking address and keeping an eye on GPS I rear ended rental car near traffic lights with three dudes going to Las Vegas ( single car accident in last 20 years!) . So... I not only needed to pay cash for the damage to rental car but the new Algerian immigrant was not very impressed when I came to his house with damaged front bumper on his " new car" and he refused to take it. All in all that cancelled insurance ( or decision to be nice to car buyer ) for one day cost me over 2500$.
 
True story.

I was in a high school (for my job) and I was presenting to a class. For whatever reason the kids started talking about the grossest things they've ever eaten in their life. One kid said, "I ate a cricket." I said, "Mmm protein." Then I remembered about the guy who won the bug eating contest last year. If you don't know what I'm talking about, some guy won a **** roach eating contest and a few hours later died from eating them...

hehepeepeecaca

so cockroach is filtered? sheesh...
maybe we should call it a dickroach


that sounds even worse
 
I once sold my old Ford Focus to new Algerian immigrant and he nicely asked me to drive it to his place next day as he had no means of getting to my place to pick it up... Stupidly enough I agreed and canceled car insurance the same day. Next day driving to his freaking address and keeping an eye on GPS I rear ended rental car near traffic lights with three dudes going to Las Vegas ( single car accident in last 20 years!) . So... I not only needed to pay cash for the damage to rental car but the new Algerian immigrant was not very impressed when I came to his house with damaged front bumper on his " new car" and he refused to take it. All in all that cancelled insurance ( or decision to be nice to car buyer ) for one day cost me over 2500$.
Lol. I also have a story about selling a car. It was quite some time ago, but I was way too nice and agreed to take payments for an old car I sold. It was a couple in their 20's and I kind of felt sorry for them as I could see they didn't have a lot of money. Anyway, they made the first two payments and then the money stopped. Tried to contact them many times and even drove by their house but didn't see the car. Found out from their neighbors the car was in a friends garage torn apart (so no chance of just getting it back). When I FINALLY managed to talk to the GF, she said her boyfriend wasn't home. I asked when he would be home and she said, "5 to 10 years, he's in prison." So there went the rest of my money. Fortunately, it wasn't very much...only around $300. As I said, old car and a while ago.

But that's not the end of the story. A few months later, the GF calls me up and wants me to come get the car and give her back the payments they had made. The car is still in their friends garage, still in a state of disrepair. Not sure what they were doing to it. Of course, I refused and the GF tried to lay a guilt trip on me. When she asked me, "what am I going to do?," I suggested she put a "For Sale" sign on it, just like I had done.
 
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Boy, it took some digging to find this thread.
I literally just walked into the women's restroom at Home Depot. I needed to pee so bad I was about 30 seconds from having it run down my leg and just took a right. Walked in and thought "no urinals? Wierd". Then I realized why there were no urinals. Luckily, it was Home Depot in the middle of the day, so there were no women in there.
 
Boy, it took some digging to find this thread.
I literally just walked into the women's restroom at Home Depot. I needed to pee so bad I was about 30 seconds from having it run down my leg and just took a right. Walked in and thought "no urinals? Wierd". Then I realized why there were no urinals. Luckily, it was Home Depot in the middle of the day, so there were no women in there.

You peed in the sink didn't you?
 
I don't know if I ever posted in this thread or not but I lent someone here at work a few thousand dollars. Sigh. Needless to say, I never saw it again and the guy was subsequently fired after it was discovered that he was borrowing money from 27 different people from around the lot. All in all, I think that dude got over on people for close to 55k. Sigh.
 
Found it. Lol

The **** I somehow pull off. Anyway, I wrote this last night.

I've been moving and getting my house ready the last 3 days. After working on it for hours today, I was about to call it a day... But, being me, I decided to do one last thing and get all the food out of the top shelf in my kitchen cabinet. I was pretty curious and slightly frightened by what could be lurking up there. Since I already moved my chairs, I had to jump onto the countertop so I could reach everything - for better or for worse. After clearing it and finding food that somehow expired before my house was built 5-years-ago (please, judge,) I went to jump down to the kitchen floor. As I went for it, I felt a tug on my behind. Somehow, someway... my belt loop on my pants snagged one of my kitchen cabinet's knobs and the next thing I knew, I was hanging like Peter Pan in a high school play. After a brief suspension in the air, as you might have guessed, the cabinet door gave way and sent me angerly, yet slightly gingerly to the ground. Many curse words were said, both vocally and silently (hey, there were guests/witnesses present.) Add this to the weird list of - that was a one in a million chance to happen in the most unlucky of ways - yet seem to happen to me more often than not. I hope the new homeowner enjoys glued cabinets that resemble a lil more like Humpty Dumpty than anything else. :p
 
I choked a bloke today who had a suspected broken neck, nobody really cared cause he was an arsehole but you know wasnt my finest moment.
 
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